Now and Then
by carolinaspen
Summary: In 2009 the penguins won the cup. Now five years later they continue to come up short. 2009 was a magical year for many reasons. But something has changed in those five years. Something lost. Can sidney crosby find that something or maybe someone?
1. Chapter 1: The End is the Beginning

_ ***author's note: New story that is about six months in the making. The story takes place during two time periods. Now, which is February 2014 to the end of the season and then, which is the 2008-09 season. Now obviously isn't now but it was when this story idea was first conceived, so timing isn't perfect. although the timing is off, the story wouldn't leave my brain, so I'm going for it. Now is first person and then is regular third person, so hopefully that's not too confusing. I hope you enjoy the story. My plan is for weekly updates and as always your feedback and thoughts are enthusiastically encouraged. Also I just couldn't in good conscience use Kathy's real name in this but I'm sure you will figure out her "character" name pretty easily. thanks and go pens!***_

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><p><em>Now<em>

The rumors started right before the Olympics.

They started in sales, because that's where all the rumors started. Most would think PR. The occupation lent itself to gossip mongering but the Pens Public Relations department kept it pretty professional in regards to scuttlebutt in the Pittsburgh Penguins front office. They were usually too busy putting out fires, to ignite any more. From sales it traveled quickly to marketing, then trickled down to accounting and then finally to me.

The rumors typically took a long time to get to me and once they did, they pretty much flamed out. Not one to keep the chain going, I usually spend my days holed up in my office with my attention focused on hotel occupancies and line item budgets, not the breaking news of who had been caught with their pants down during the latest road trip. A one person department, I don't have the time or energy to indulge in office gossip that often rivaled most area high schools. And even if I did, who would I tell? The plant in the corner? My stapler? It's a solitary job, I knew that when I met Claude. That was just the way it was for the travel secretary of the 2009 Stanley Cup Champions, Pittsburgh Penguins. Although after nearly five years, that prefix was growing tired and increasingly panicked that a supposed dynasty would just fizzle out in the end. Not that it really mattered much to me. Despite being employed by the organization for over four years, I don't pay much attention to the win/loss columns.

Not anymore.

No, rather than wins and losses, I care more about where the Pens are playing rather than who and what the result was. I don't memorize stats, I memorize airport codes. A win for me was booking 40 plus rooms at the New York City Westin right in the middle of the Christmas rush. My series sweep would have been clear weather for the team plane to make it to Vancouver with out needing to make an emergency landing in the middle of Wyoming during a freak blizzard in early October. Trying to find a four star hotel for 67 players, coaches and staff along with about 800 pounds of team equipment in a town with the population of 146 in the middle of a snowstorm at 2 o'clock in the morning had been my playoffs. The Bear Lodge in Dayton, Wyoming was my Stanley Cup and Tongue River High School's sole school bus for transportation was my Conn Smythe. Despite the stress and nearly impossible string pulling, that fall in 2011 had been my shining moment.

I don't follow hockey. I'm surrounded by it but I don't follow it. I haven't for years, much to the chagrin of Molly and Dad. Instead, I keep my head down, input codes and dates and go home to the quiet but comfortable life I've become accustomed to at the age of 26.

To some it seems exciting. To most actually. People are always amazed at my job and how did I get involved in something like this? How glamorous it must be to have the Consol Energy Center as your office and Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby as your coworkers?

Well, a) it didn't quite work that way and b) once upon a time it had been amazing, but it wasn't anymore.

Not anymore.

It had been a literal water cooler moment when the rumor finally made it to me. I'd ventured out into the halls of the front office to fill up my water bottle when I ran into Sue from accounting.

Immediately I could see that Sue was dripping with anticipation.A dowdy mother of two college aged boys, Sue had been with the Pens since the first time they'd won the Stanley Cup. She stared at numbers all day, through her inch thick black rimmed spectacles. So needless to say, she was excited to spread a juicy nugget to the only person more anti-social than she.

"Rebecca, have you heard the news?" Sue asked me excitedly,even her mop of frizzy hair was electric.

I glanced at the stout woman and pressed the button that dispensed the cool filtered water into my tumbler. I had a tension headache the size of Texas. Now that Olympic planning was over I was working frantically to get the rest of the year done before my vacation began in 3 hours and 47 minutes. Hours spent staring at check in and check out dates had nearly made my eyes crossed.

"What news?" I mumbled. There was always something brewing around the FO. It was inevitable when you had a front office crew that could understudy for the cast of The Office and a team of elite athletes playing just a few floors below.

It was like high school, but worse.

So much worse.

"It's Sidney. He's getting married!" Sue said animatedly, obviously thrilled.

My blood ran cold.

"Wh..wh..what?" I asked shakily, desperately hoping Sue won't notice the stammer.

A whooshing is circling through my ears and suddenly the fluorescent lights seem too bright. I feel a grapefruit settle in the back of my throat, and beads of sweat collecting at my like someone has stuck an IV of espresso in my veins as I feel my blood bouncing beneath my veins. I try to focus on just casually fiddling with the top of my insulated cup, trying hard to not bring notice to my suddenly shaking hands.

"Sid, he's engaged or is about to be anyway. Amber in sales found out from laundry who found out from one of the trainers who overheard it in the locker room after practice last night. Evidently Katy is meeting him in Sochi and that Sid is going to pop the question there! Can you believe it? The floor's been buzzing all day about it."

Sue keeps talking but I don't hear anything Sue is saying.

Sid is getting married.

To Katy.

Katy Lanier has been Sidney Crosby's off and on girlfriend for years now. She'd pop up here and there, but then disappear for a while. The FO ladies were always taking bets on the current status of the team captain and the fitness model that graced magazine covers monthly.

Things had been quiet for a while, so much so that most had figured Pittsburgh's golden son was single again.

I usually stayed out of those conversations. Self preservation.

Sue is still talking but I can't listen any longer. I'm excusing myself from Sue and walking blindly and briskly down the hall, hoping desperately that the tears won't fall, at least not before I make it to my office. I can feel myself with each step falling apart, piece by piece. All I can do is stare at my Christian Louboutin pumps that I got with Molly at Nordstrom Rack when she was last in town. I stare at the dove gray patent leather knowing the route back to my desk by heart and knowing that after all this, I'm strong enough to make it back to my space, my sanctuary before I totally humiliate myself.

I make it without a second to spare. I twist the lock and draw the blinds and collapse into my chair and let the sobs wash over me.

I take the rest of the day off.

Two and a half weeks later, seven players and one coach returned with medals that shone gold and bronze, some victorious, others bogged down by the agony of defeat.

That same day I return to the Consol after my much needed two week vacation. I greet my co-workers and set my bag and coffee down at my desk, pull out an envelope and take a deep breath.

Fifteen minutes I emerge from the VP of Operation's office, my resignation now official.

The time has come. At the end of the 2013-2014 season I will be no longer a member of the Pittsburgh Penguins organization. The past years had been hard and I question if they were even worth it.

But I stayed; I persevered, because part of me still had held hope.

I believed some how, some way, something would change.

That it would be like before.

That I would be like before.

That he would be like before.

But I'm just a glutton for punishment.

I walk slowly back to my desk.

I'm a fool. A stupid broken hearted fool.

What I don't know, as I take my seat and power up my Mac, is that I'm not the only one.

* * *

><p><em>Then: September 2008<em>

The sky was dark and the air cool with a light drizzle when she'd stepped off the bus that had dropped her off in front of what appeared to be a giant igloo.

Three years she'd lived in Pittsburgh and she'd never noticed the dome shaped building that sat smack dab in the middle of downtown. Staring at the building critically, Rebecca Cooper furrowed her brow as she realized she had no idea how to get inside the unusual building and she quickly realized the post-it on which she'd written down all the vital information she needed for today was sitting next to her laptop on the kitchen countertop of her small apartment. She held the bus schedule over her head, hoping the makeshift umbrella would hold up long enough for her to find shelter and not turn her dark recently flat ironed hair turn into the ball of fuzz this weather inevitably brought.

Breaking into a light run, she was thankful for the easy red flats she'd chosen to wear, along with the wool grey skirt and navy blue blouse she wore underneath the light jacket she'd grabbed, clearly underestimating the unpredictable early Fall in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Prior to the start of her college career, she'd only been to this city once. When she was nine years old. But that hadn't been to sight see or take in a game.

The drizzle had upgraded to a steady rain as Rebecca eyed a number of entrances that were covered with gates and locks and anything else you needed to keep even the savviest of miscreants away. Well miscreants and new interns it seemed.

The rain had disintegrated the bus schedule into a messy glob of inky pulp and her hair was quickly falling back into its natural waves as the rain began to pelt even harder. Rushing closer to the building Rebecca prayed desperately for an open door or at least an awning. The comfortable flats were cheap Target suede and were quickly becoming soaked through and completely ruined as the steady rain caused large puddles to form at record speed. Finally, as if the thick grey blanket of clouds had parted and her own personal guardian angel had floated down, Rebecca heard a voice calling her name.

Blinking through her soaked and spiked eyelashes, Rebecca was able to make out a figure coming from an open door that must have looked like another block of ice in this giant glacial spectacle because she could have sworn she'd just looked down there and seen nothing but smooth white siding.

Nevertheless, she jogged towards the figure and as she came closer she recognized the man from his picture.

Claude Renard.

As a child, she'd thought the name of her father's best high school buddy was hilarious, all these years later, she was just grateful to see the plump and friendly man smiling at her as he gestured erratically calling her to him and ushering her inside.

"Oh geez there, come in, come in." Claude said concerned, as Rebecca rushed in past the man and his large belly.

She stood there for a moment, relishing the heat of the building as it coated her in warmth. Residual rain dripped from her nose, ears and chin, giving her the always attractive drowned rat look.

It was definitely not the impression she wanted to make her first day on the job.

Was it a job if she wasn't getting paid?

Growing up just out of Philly, she'd known her whole life that she'd go to college in Pittsburgh. She'd gotten a full scholarship to Pitt, which had been her first choice. Actually, it had been her only choice.

Her mother had gone to Pitt, gotten her undergrad in social justice, then nearly completed two years of law school before she met Rebecca's dad on a girl's weekend trip up to Niagara Falls. She and Mr. Cooper had met in the casino bar and ended up staying up all night talking. Meredith was visiting from Pittsburgh, Daniel visiting from Mississauga. By sunrise they were in love. A month later Rebecca's mother had quit law school, moved to Canada and gotten married. As a child, Rebecca had listened to the story of her parent's meeting eagerly, it becoming her favorite bedtime story.

Her parents had only stayed in Canada less than a year, when Daniel got a job in Wilmington, Delaware and the couple moved back to the states. A year later Rebecca came along, seven years later came miracle baby Molly and then a year later came the cancer.

An ovarian cancer diagnosis and six months later she was gone.

Meredith had wanted to be buried in Pittsburgh, a decision that had caused a number of hushed tense conversations between her parents in her mother's final months. Pittsburgh was her home, she reasoned. It was where her life had begun, it was where she would go when it ended.

There was a family plot where generations before lain. Including Rebecca's great grandfather Henry and her grandmother's little brother who'd died at childbirth. Watching her mother be lowered into the ground, young Rebecca clutched her father's hand and thought about how when she grew up, she'd live the life her mother had. She'd come to Pittsburgh, get her degree and then go to law school. Be the lawyer her mother had wanted to be. The career she'd sacrificed for true love.

Only Rebecca wouldn't go to Pitt for law school. No, she had set her sights higher. Just that week she'd sent in her application to Yale Law School for admission to the law program in Fall of 2009. Her grades were impeccable, her test scores off the charts. Not even 21 and she was only a few credits away from graduating. She'd skipped a year in high school and came to Pitt only 17 years old. That first year she'd lived with her Aunt Hilary and Uncle Dave. Her mother's younger sister was the only family left in Pittsburgh. She'd married and had two small children. The year had been trying for Rebecca. She struggled to adjust to new settings. Making friends had always been challenging. Her head was often buried in a book or in her free time she could be found scrawling notes from the stack of textbooks that lived next to her bed.

Sophomore year she moved into the dorms, which brought their own challenges, but at least she'd made a few friends. But there were too many distractions. Junior year she got her matchbox apartment over a deli near campus and had lived there ever since.

She knew the moment she arrived in Pittsburgh that she could feel her mother's presence all around her. That first year she made weekly visits to her grave that now had gradually turned to monthly visits.

Her father had never liked Pittsburgh. Mostly because Rebecca's parents hadn't liked her dad. They never approved of Meredith running off and getting married, especially because they hadn't been invited to the wedding.

The irony was that now her dad's high school buddy and former hockey teammate was the travel secretary for the Pittsburgh Penguins, which had been a blessing and a curse.

The blessing was Rebecca was getting the internship she needed to round out her application for law school and the curse was that her dad was a die hard Flyers fan and had cringed the entire time he worked out the favor from Claude.

As for Rebecca, she could have cared less all she needed were her books. Molly was the jock. Molly and Mr. Cooper breathed the Flyers, while Rebecca had spent her childhood making friends with kings and queens, wizards and goblins, dragons and dragon slayers.

But here she was, it was a means to an end and she would treat it as such.

"I was wondering what happened to ya'" Claude's voice was thick with his Canadian accent and his smile was wide, showing off crooked teeth that looked like they'd taken a few hits from the heel of a hockey stick, despite the fact that it looked like Claude hadn't put on a pair stakes in at least a decade or two.

Rebecca straightened herself and self consciously patted down her hair hoping to smush down the halo of wavy frizz that graced her head.

Collecting herself in only half a second, she smiled and stuck her hand out to properly greet the friendly man.

"Aw come here," Claude said jovially pulling Rebecca into his meaty arms and giving her a hearty hug.

Rebecca wasn't really comfortable with being touched too much so she stood stiffly in Claude's arms and waited for the awkward embrace to end.

"I haven't seen you since you were about this tall," Claude held his hand out in front of his generous belly indicating Rebecca's height when she'd been nine and Claude had come to the calling hours to give his respects to Daniel and the girls.

Rebecca gave a mumbled response and wished that they could go back to mentor and mentee, a relationship she was sure she'd be much more comfortable with.

Claude just eyed the serious girl in front of him, who was still dripping from head to toe and clearly squeamish about the current conversation and moved them right along, making a quick stop in laundry to offer her a towel.

"Well while we are down here, let me give you the grand tour," Claude said his voice laced with amusement. "Most of the staff doesn't come in til next week when training camp starts, but we do have a few guys hanging around working out or skating a bit, so we'll see what we see, sound alright to you?"

Claude looked at Rebecca curiously, as if he was gauging her reaction on how trustworthy she was to see these inner workings of the elite organization.

Rebecca put on her most professional face and nodded primly, indicating the tour could begin.

While she wasn't a sports fanatic, she wasn't an idiot either. She knew how professional sports worked, she had told Claude during her interview that she understood the need for discretion and professionalism, in fact she prided herself on that. Her neighbor's uncle was Tom Brokaw, so she was no stranger to celebrities. She'd seen the hierarchy of athletes at her high school and even more so at Pitt. She knew how they were treated and the different set of rules they abided to. It wasn't that she agreed with it, but rather she just didn't really care. It didn't affect her. She was at Pitt to get an education, she was at Mellon Arena to do a job, after that she would be on her way to New Haven where she'd get her law degree with a focus on environmental law. She'd be on staff at the law journal, nothing too demanding, a staff member but not editor, she needed to focus on her dissertation that she'd already mapped out, The Legal and Developing Law Ethics of Oil Fracking in the Appalachian Mountains. She'd join a green practice in Philadelphia, find a nice and successful boy who would become her husband, have children, buy a home in Bucks County and live her nice stable life. It was all part of her carefully laid out plan.

She had a lot to do and she wasn't going to allow herself to get all starry eyed over some hockey player and deter herself from her path. Claude had nothing to worry about.

So with that she took his lead and turned down towards the large and open concourse to begin her first day as a semi employee of the 2008-09 Pittsburgh Penguins organization.


	2. Chapter 2: Rita

_Now_

Ray has promised me he won't say anything until the regular season ends. By that time someone new will be in place and I can spend a few weeks in the post-season training them. It's not ideal but I'll take it. The way this place is, the longer it can stay quiet the better.

I think about telling him.

Straight backed and head held high I would inform him in a calm and detached voice that I will no longer be working for the organization; in fact, I will no longer be living in Pittsburgh. My heart races at the thrill of telling him in so many words that he is no longer a factor in my life. It's the telling him I fantasize about, it's what he has to say in response that I dread. The fear that has consumed me ever since I made this decision is that his reaction will tell me what frightens me most. That I was never a factor in his. And I don't know if I can bear it.

But still, I think of his face when I tell him that in the fall I will be enrolled at the University of Pennsylvania Law School in Philadelphia. It's not Yale that dream died a long time ago, but it's Ivy League and it's in city he hates most. I went there the day after I found out about Katy. I gave myself an afternoon to grieve, me, a pint of ice cream and a binge worthy dose of Revenge episodes I had recorded on my DVR. The guilty pleasure I hadn't watched in weeks doing its best to soothe me, while I put on my rattiest and most comfortable pajamas and let myself disappear into the cushions of my couch. Then at 6:35 I switched off the TV, threw away the half empty pint (ok, who are we kidding, half gallon) of ice cream and padded mindlessly into my bathroom and ran a hot shower. I shed more tears as the scorching water pelted over me, each drop like a sharp needle against my skin. Then I emerged, my skin pink and raw, my eyes feeling like they were swollen shut. I pulled out my nicest pajamas, the ones Hilary had just given me this past Christmas, grabbed my laptop and crawled into bed. I looked at the list of Ivy League law schools, then researched the application process for all of them. Logically Penn makes the most sense and it will be an easier transition. Something I have a feeling I will need. Once it's decided I bound out of bed and begin to pack a suitcase. I left early the next morning, driving straight through to Claymont, the town I called home for the first 18 years of my life. A small middle class community just outside of Wilmington but close enough to be considered a Philly suburb. I arrived in the early afternoon and informed Dad of my plans. He seemed surprised at first, I think he'd thought the law school dream was forgotten, still guilty that he hadn't had the means to help make that dream a reality, but when I told him I'd be in Philly he was ecstatic. Even after all these years, he doesn't much care for Pittsburgh. He comes to visit and has been to games, but I can tell it just doesn't feel right to him. Molly, when she finally gets home from her various sports activities is thrilled. She's already been admitted to Temple, early admission so we'll be close. The next day, the three of us traveled to Philly and get the wheels in motion for my new life to begin. I spent the next ten days with Dad and Molly. I'd missed them. In the beginning I would go home for summers, but then work got so demanding that I was just as busy in the off season as I was during the season. And the visits dwindled down to nearly nothing. They came up to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving and I'd spent a hectic 24 hours in Delaware at Christmas and that had been it for months. But it would be different now. I would get my dream back. I would find my happiness.

I have to.

I stare at the login screen on my computer for a few more moments and my face reflects back to me through the glare of the screen. Its faint, my features not quite defined but it's my face and I nearly don't recognize myself. I think, when did I become this person? Tired, worn. Bitter and vindictive. It's not me. Isn't it? My eyes begin to fill with angry tears. Tears of regret and frustration and then finally tears of sadness. It's not the wracking sobs that consumed me in this very seat just a few weeks ago. Those were tears of loss and despair. No these tears are different and they fall silently as I type in my credentials and click login. I take a deep breath and then there is a knock on my open door and a voice.

His voice.

"Hey."

* * *

><p><em>Then<em>

"This," Claude states proudly his arms swinging with a flourish, "Is Rita."

It was another rainy Sunday and Rebecca was spending her afternoon staring at the large contraption behind the middle-aged man. Rita looked like a giant copier. A copier from the 1970s that is. It was grey and clunky and nearly took up half the office.While cranks and wheels weren't visible, Rebecca could picture them grinding as they spit out whatever it was designed to spit out.

Two weeks into the internship and Rebecca was nearly stir crazy with all the inane and monotonous tasks Claude had assigned to her. Sure, she was limited in what she could do. She'd signed a pile of documents filled with legalese that said in so many words that she couldn't breathe a word of anything she did or personal information she was exposed to otherwise she would be riddled with lawsuits until she was at least fifty. Travel secretary allowed for a lot of personal information about staff and the players to be available at one's fingertips. Addresses, phone numbers, allergies, medical history, you name it, it was recorded somewhere in Claude's pyramid of folders that lay precariously on the already cluttered desk. A perk to the internship had been its extremely flexible hours. She was required to work 10 hours a week but they could be broken down into any combination of days and times. Nights, weekends, whatever she needed. Her class load was heavy and challenging as always, so Rebecca found herself spending the first two weeks coming to the Igloo at all hours of the day and suspected it would stay that way. Claude always seemed to be here anyway, frazzled and up to his elbows in itineraries, he would have Rebecca alphabetize hotel contacts or stuff packets filled with all the appropriate information a player would need for a road trip. When Claude wasn't there, she'd get reassigned over to sales or marketing and work on giant mailings to season ticket holders or sponsors, mostly that entailed sealing envelopes or putting on labels. The place was run like a well oiled machine, a little worn and a little outdated, but still efficient. Much like the large machine that sat in front of her.

"Rita?" Rebecca asked, confused.

"R-I-T-A-S. The Reservation and Itinerary Ticketing Agency System, or as I affectionately call her, Rita. She may look a bit clunky, but she's a beast." Claude said proudly, as if he were talking about an old car or more appropriately some over the hill defenseman built like a tank, who still took out guys with a single hit.

"What does it do?" Rebecca asked curiously, inspecting the nooks and crannies Rita's large frame entailed.

"The question should be," Claude said smiling, brushing off her incorrect use of pronouns as he was more eager to show off his prized heifer. "Is what doesn't she do?" His eyes sparkled and it was no secret that Claude was really into his job. All these codes and dates, locations and schedules, he really loved it. And he seemed very good at it, despite being the messiest person she'd ever encountered.

But before she could answer, the man launched into a lengthy and somewhat confusing explanation of how RITA worked in direct connection with the reservation software on his computer. Type in the airport codes and dates and Rita would spit out plane tickets for any destination. It was the same machine used at travel agencies. Each time a ticket was spat out, the seat was reserved and the price charged to an account the team had set up with their approved list of airlines. She also worked for printing off reservation itineraries for hotels and even processing prepaid meal vouchers. She was, as Claude stressed, essential for all operations of the travel department.

Today's project: ticketing and hotel reservations for some late additions reporting for training camp for a professional tryout as well as a few prospects that had just gotten clearance to report to the Pens. There were fourteen sets to process and the players would be coming from all over the world.

Claude was heading out for an early dinner with his oldest daughter and was finally assigning Rebecca a real task. She would input the airport codes and dates from the sheet he provided, press print and RITA would do the rest. She was then to do the same for the hotel rooms and then put all the information together in the player's packets. It shouldn't take more than an hour, he assured her. They even did the first one together, as he made sure to answer any questions Rebecca might have.

She didn't have any. She'd watched him like a hawk, taking in each step and writing down notes. It wasn't much but she was excited to be given a task with some level of responsibility. She assured him she would complete the job swiftly and efficiently and Claude just gave her a smile but there was a look in his eyes as if he was still trying to figure her out.

Over the past few weeks, he'd tried to make small talk or chat her up about her family, school, interests, but Rebecca was quiet, serious. Focused and professional, but kept to herself. He couldn't criticize her for that, she was clearly intelligent, but just seemed…sad.

No matter, he was late and his college aged daughter was terribly impatient. Claude grabbed his coat, gave a salute and was out the door.

Rebecca immediately got to work and quickly realized that while Claude's method worked fine, she could be much more efficient if she imputed at the information at once then printed out the tickets at the end.

She imputed the information exactly as it appeared on the sheet and triple checked her work. Her eyes nearly bugged out at the locations that some of these players were coming from and the cost of the tickets, despite the team's hefty discount.

She pulled up the print screen, quickly typed in the parameters and clicked the button.

Within a few seconds RITA whirled to life and began to slowly but surely crank out the tickets.

It didn't take long for her to realize that something wasn't quite right. She'd gone over to collect the tickets that had printed so far and found the same name on seven tickets.

She was confused. She'd triple checked her work, each name was unique to its destination. It didn't make sense.

More tickets spit out and she looked at those. Again the same name.

Panicked she watched as tickets continued to come out at a steady speed. She looked at the new stack. Finally a different name appeared to Rebecca's relief. But not a quarter of a second later a new dread formed, finally understanding, she rushed to the computer screen. The print job listed 14 tickets were to be printed, but to Rebecca's horror, under number of copies was the number 10.

Her wrist must have bumped the zero on the number pad. Instead of 14 tickets, RITA was on her way to spitting out 140 tickets. Rebecca couldn't think. A hundred thoughts went through her head but number one was how to stop the printing. She wasn't sure what the ramifications were of so many tickets being printed, but she didn't want to find out. There was no cancel job option on the print screen and all the troubleshooting techniques she used when she needed cancel print jobs on her own computer, didn't seem to work on the old IBM. No matter what she did the sound of Rita grinding out ticket after ticket echoed in her ears.

Her first real task and she'd blown it. Would Claude fire her? What about her application? She felt irrational fear wash over her as her brain went into overdrive, concocting all the worst case scenarios she could think of.

Trying plan B, she rushed over to RITA and looked for some sort of cancel option but other than a foggy screen that glowed a dingy green, she couldn't find anything. The pile was starting to grow and tickets were sliding off the tray and onto the floor.

Rebecca was now in full freak out mode, she ran her hands over the machine, looking for an off switch and when she came up empty she realized she would have to unplug RITA.

Craning her neck around to inspect the back of the machine, Rebecca was relieved to see an industrial sized cord with a thick plug, plugged into the wall. If she could just shut RITA down, the printing would at least stop and then she could think and figure out a way to fix this.

The newest problem was, RITA must weigh at least half a ton. Rebecca squeezed her hand between the wall and the machinetrying to grab the plug.

No luck.

Her hand was coming up at least six inches short. She reached out further, her fingers stretched painfully to try and make contact, but no luck. Frustrated she pulled back her arm, as she realized she'd need to at least try to wiggle RITA a little ways from the wall to be able to reach the plug.

But when she pulled back her arm, it didn't move. In fact when she pulled a terrible pain shot through her arm. She twisted and wiggle, trying to get friction on her side and pull the appendage free, but nothing was happening. Her elbow felt like it was being crushed and her arm was quickly feeling warm and raw from rubbing harshly against the wall and the metal of the machine. Ten minutes of painful maneuvering and nothing.

She was stuck.

* * *

><p>Sidney Crosby had barely walked out of Ray's office when he heard the ding of his cell sound, indicating he had a text message. He walked down the hall of the administrative offices, looking down to see who'd sent the message. Scanning through the numerous alerts and catching the time illuminated on the phone, he quickly realized he'd been in that meeting with Ray for nearly three hours. It wasn't a surprise really, there was a lot to discuss.<p>

He'd gotten back into town just a week earlier and immediately reported back to the Igloo. The summer had been brutal. The memories of making it to the Stanley Cup Finals, of being so close to his dream and then having it snatched away on home ice no less had stung all summer long. Hell, it still stung. The conversation with Ray had been tough but necessary. Trying to make sense of what had been nearly a perfect season, he and Ray rehashed each series, each game and in the end the answer was simple. It just wasn't their year. He had to accept that and move on. It was a new year full of possibilities.

The newest text was from his dad. His eyes scanned the message. It was simple and to the point, as was the case with most of his messages. Sid felt a small pang of guilt. He needed to call him. He knew he did but it didn't stop Sid from putting it off. The first few weeks after the season Sid had been a hermit. Gone directly to his lake house, he spent the days in solitude. Hours on the lake just replaying the games over and over again. Then, the pity party was over and it was time to get to work. The pain was still there, but now he used it as motivation. He pushed himself harder and harder all summer. Stacking his schedule left little time to think. It also left little time to spend with family and his parents had noticed. Namely his dad. He knew Troy was disappointed. His parents' investment in his career meant they felt agony of defeat, just as hard as the triumph of victory. They were with him for the highs and would be for the lows as well.

If he had let them.

He just couldn't deal with his dad and the disappointment that would lace his voice when they would go over for the millionth time what went wrong. Talking to Ray was productive, he felt their discussions about the season specifically or just hockey in general got them somewhere, with Troy not so much. Rather than be productive, Sid found himself feeling inadequate and transported back to being a kid when despite being the lead scorer on a team of guys years older than him, his dad would spend hours after games analyzing the mistakes and find ways Sid could improve his game. Sid would take the notes and head down to the basement to practice late into the night.

He was eleven years old.

With a sigh he snapped shut his phone and walked down the quiet and desolate hallway. He'd just rounded a corner when he heard a noise, a banging of some sort. The floor was virtually empty but as he walked further down the long corridor he heard a voice paired with the banging. It was muffled but clearly belonged to a woman but all he could make out was sounds of frustrations and a few curse words. Not sure he wanted to get involved, he was hesitant to approach the open office door. It was easier for him to keep everything and everyone at a distance, it allowed for him to concentrate on his game and not become public fodder even in the halls of his workplace.

It was coming from Claude's office, which was odd. Claude was a one man operation from what Sid knew, he was a nice guy, always in some state of dishevelment, kind of quirky but knew his stuff. For a split second Sid wondered if someone had broken into the office or perhaps he was interrupting something he should just stay out of. But the voice sounded distressed and he couldn't not stop.

He was not prepared for the sight that met him when he walked into the office.

There in the corner sat a woman, a girl, really. Her legs were tucked beneath her small frame, as she was pressed flush against the wall. She was young, college aged probably. She wore a dark skirt and a fuzzy short sleeved sweater and her dark hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail. Her cheeks were flushed, a light sheen coating her olive skin. A deep frown was set on her face, as he watched her for a moment bang at the office equipment and mutter angrily at the machine.

He should just move along, but there was something more going on than what he could see.

"You ok?"

His voice startled her and she sprung back, or at least tried to. Her gaze flew to him and he was met with bright green eyes, framed with thick lashes. She looked at him surprised and then winced.

"Ow." Was all she said.

It was then he realized that one of her arms was not in his sight line. He furrowed his brow and she answered his question.

"I'm fine."

Her face was a mix of panic and irritation. Her eyes shone bright with unshed tears. It was evident she was in some sort of pain.

"You're stuck." He corrected her.

Her cheeks grew a brighter red.

"Well, yes, I am." She said matter of fact, "But I'm figuring it out."

He couldn't help but smile. This conservation that he'd fallen into was bordering on the absurd. Here he was standing in the small clutter office, still in his workout clothes talking to a stranger who'd basically shackled herself to the wall.

"It doesn't look like you're figuring it out."

The girl just looked at him and then bit at her lower lip.

"Will you help me?" She asked quietly and Sid had a feeling it was a question she didn't normally ask.

And then he sprung into action.

Rebecca watched as he came towards her. His eyes scanning RITA, surveying the situation. He looked so familiar. She was pretty sure he was a player, but not one she'd met before. Yet she knew she'd seen him before. He'd startled her just a few moments ago. She'd been determined to figure out a solution for her predicament, but honestly she'd just been a few minutes away from just shouting out for help. It was mortifying really. She was so embarrassed to be found like this. It was one thing for some regular person from the front office find her like this, but a player? She was sure she looked like an idiot.

He on the other hand was beautiful. He wore a dark t-shirt that spelled Penguins Hockey across his broad chest and dark shorts that showed off the thickest legs she'd ever seen, dusted with coarse hair. He work a hat slung over his eyes and his features were large but perfectly balanced, as if he were some Disney prince. Her eyes stayed wide as they followed him come closer and closer, until his hip was at eye level. Despite all her good sense, she felt her pulse quicken and her mouth go dry at his closeness. It was so stupid, she knew, but tell her body that.

He peeked around to the back of the copier and dropped into a crouch, his body leaned towards her as he inspected the situation more closely. All Rebecca could look at were the layers of muscle that strained against the fabric of his shorts.

"May I?" he asked, his hands reaching out to her arm. Sheepish she may have been caught staring, she looked up and met his gaze. She now could see the dark brown of his eyes and long lashes that any girl would be jealous of.

Wordlessly she nodded.

His touch was gentle as he tried to lift her arm up, it wouldn't budge. He tried a few more angles, being extremely careful the whole time.

"You got it stuck in there pretty good, eh?" He gave her a crooked smile and Rebecca just stared at him.

She needed to say something, anything.

"I was trying to unplug it." She said dully. "I made too many copies."

She looked down at the pile of tickets that he'd inadvertently stepped on and his eyes followed hers.

Sid looked at the large pile of paper that had collected beneath his feet and he realized that she must be working for Claude. He quickly stood and stepped off the pile.

"Alright," he announced. "This thing is pretty big, so I'm going to need you to pull your arm on three, ok?"

She nodded, her eyes cautious but trusting.

"Ok" she replied.

Sid looked around the machine, searching for some sort of leverage. When he was satisfied he'd found it, he gripped the machine, took a deep breath, lifted and pulled.

"1-2-3, pull!" he shouted, gritting his teeth as he felt the behemoth come away from the wall.

Rebecca obediently pulled at his command and her arm came free.

She nearly wept with relief.

"I'm free!" she exclaimed watching his arms flex with exertion, his forearms tense, his biceps bulging. It was a sight to see.

Unceremoniously Sid dropped Rita, the few seconds of exertion had been exhausting. Sweat coated his neck and temples and he could feel his cheeks flush. He turned to the girl and looked at her arm. It was raw and red, it probably would bruise a bit but he suspected she'd be ok.

"You alright?" he asked slightly out of breath.

She rubbed at her arm, but nodded, "Yes, thank you. I don't know what I would have done. Thank you." She repeated.

Sid held out his hand to help her up. She looked at it for a moment then placed her good hand in his and allowed herself to be pulled up to a standing position.

He released her instantly and Rebecca suddenly felt very awkward and silly.

"Do you want a trainer to take a look at that?" he asked gesturing to her limp arm. They were standing face to face, only a few feet apart.

The girl appeared to be in a daze and Sid hoped it wasn't for any other reason than the events she'd just experienced.

Shaking herself into sense, Rebecca shook her head and looked for a way to end this encounter. She was warm, too warm for her liking. She was jittery and fuzzy headed. She needed to clean up this mess, wait for Claude to return and get out of there. Back to her sanctuary of her small apartment with her books and her assignments and a life that she had control of.

"I'll be fine." She replied, with a newly added stiffness to her voice. "Tha.." she cleared her throat. "Thank you, again. I really appreciate it."

Sid rocked a bit on his heels, still not sure what to make of this girl. The air around them had grown strange and it had been a long day.

"Yeah, no problem." He replied rubbing at the back of his neck. "Ok well, see ya." He gave a nod, turned and left.

Rebecca watched him leave, her hand lightly cradling the injured arm. She was grateful but a little overwhelmed by his presence. All the girly feelings she rarely had roared to life and she came to a quick conclusion.

She had a bit of a crush.

She collected all the tickets that lay at her feet and put them in a tidy pile, thinking of what she would tell Claude. She figured the truth would be her best bet. She placed the ticket on the desk and an image caught her eye. It was a schedule pinned to a cOrkney board. A schedule of the upcoming season. A grid of dates and abbreviations fill the paper and at the top was an image. A player. In full gear, in a stance of victory. And his face, that familiar face with those eyes.

And she knew.

_***Thank you so much for your reviews! I'm really excited to about this story and am so happy you all are too! I will be taking A LOT of luxuries with how the travel secretary does his job and how all the player stuff works, so there will surely be some inaccuracies. This story is a little different than what I've done before and the way that it is structured, the reader will only be given bits of information at a time before all is revealed. So for some that may be frustrating, but I hope in the end the payoff is worth it. Also I will be revisiting my obsession of Sid and Troy's relationship, so yeah that will be a thing again. Going to the game tomorrow night, so excited to see the team again. We're off to a solid start and glad to see Pascal is going to be ok. Go Pens!***_


	3. Chapter 3: Awkward

_Now_

It is slight, but she stiffens at the sound of my voice.

I pretend not to notice.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I try again.

"Becs?"

And this time the straightening of her spine and the lock of her shoulders is blatantly obvious.

I'm standing in the doorway of her office and its completely immaculate. Organized down to the paperclip.

Efficient, effective. That's Rebecca. She doesn't do anything half assed. She's an achiever. An over achiever if I can be completely honest. But I told her that once and I don't plan on doing that again.

There is so much I want to tell her. But the way we communicate…or rather the way we don't communicate is complicated.

And I don't do complicated.

My life requires control. There are so many variables that are chaos and the small part of my life that I can control, I hold onto desperately. And in order to have control I need simple.

So I go for the easiest way, avoidance. And she lets me.

So we're good.

"I'm sorry to disturb you."

My voice is formal and attempts to sound detached.

It's the only way.

It wasn't always this way, but it is now and I don't know how to change it.

I watch as her shoulders relax slightly and she turns in her seat toward my direction.

She's looking at me now. Scrutinizing me. Analyzing me. It's what she does. And after five years I've accepted it.

And I don't care, because now I see her face and she's beautiful.

Her gaze is fixed on me, her brow furrowed, her nose scrunched slightly. But I see her. I see all of her and it's familiar and its comforting and while things aren't perfect its enough for me.

I survey the immaculate office. It's not much bigger than the old office at the Igloo, but it seems so much larger. I chalk that up to contraption being gone. The big pile of scrap metal didn't make the move. Instead it was replaced with smaller, more modern and efficient technology. Rebecca was the leading force in that change.

Like I said, effective and efficient.

She sits at her desk, partially angled towards me, but her hands still at her keyboard, poised in mid type.

"Hello…" her voice is soft and she seems hesitant about what to say next. Not to mention I cant ignore the flash of terror that crossed her features a split second before she morphed into analytics mode.

"Sidney."

I inwardly cringe at the return in formality, but I push ahead.

"I need to make a change for Chicago." I tell her. I'm leaning against her doorframe, my arms crossed in front of me. And I tell myself that it isn't to keep myself from walking towards her and brushing back the section of hair that has fallen across her forehead and is brushing the tip of her cheekbone.

She hasn't aged much in the past five years. Her hair is shorter, it sits just past her shoulders and the cut is supposed to scream sophisticated business woman, but the stubborn wave and determined softness doesn't quite pull the look off. Her features have sharpened just a bit but other than that, she is the same.

Rebecca looks at me and for the thousandth time I wish I could be in her brain for just a moment, a quick second and see what she sees.

And I would know. Either way, I would know.

"You could send me an email," she says tonelessly.

I sigh, "Yeah I know, I'm sorry, but I thought since its so last minute, I should come to you directly, I need to make an addition."

Her hands drop from the keyboard to her lap and she begins to fidget. And she looks like she's seen a ghost.

My eyes dropped to her hands and she sees me do so and her hands stop.

"An addition?" I think I detect a tremor in her voice, but the exchange so far has been so awkward and uncomfortable that I don't try to figure it out.

"Yeah, Taylor is going to be able to make it after all. She is taking her midterm early, so she can come."

Rebecca just stares at me, "I'm sorry?" She asks and she's looking at my genuinely confused.

And now I'm confused too.

"Taylor, she can come to Chicago. I need a plane ticket for her and a seat with my parents. She'll be in their room at the hotel, so you don't need to change that. I hope it's not too much of a problem." I grin at her trying to lighten the mood and she seems to finally snap out of whatever fog she was in.

"Oh." Is all she says and she's chewing at the inside of her cheek, and I can see the wheels churning. A few moments later, her face clears and she turns her attention to the computer. She starts typing and clicking as the screen becomes animated with windows opening and closing.

"Alright, let me see…" her eyes are scanning and then she's nodding and typing and everything seems to be okay again.

I decide to jump on the opportunity.

"So how've you been?" I ask, a lightness to my voice.

She's focused on her work but answers me, "Fine."

Her answer is curt and doesn't leave me with much to work with.

"How's your dad, how's Molly?" I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I just want to talk to her.

After Sochi, I just want to talk to her again.

I missed her.

I miss her.

"They're fine." She says briskly.

"Molly is graduating this year, eh? Taylor has decided on Northeastern, what about—"

My question is cut off.

"Ok, she's added." Rebecca's voice cuts into mine and it's as if I wasn't even talking.

"Oh, ok. Great. Thanks, Becs."

She is looking at me again, a mix of worry and irritation. "You shouldn't call me that." She says, but now her voice is unsure, hesitant.

"It's not appropriate." She says, before I can even respond.

"Why?" I ask and suddenly I'm irritated. I'm trying here and I'm getting nothing back. I don't know what else to do.

"Because, we are…" she's struggling for her words, "Work associates." She settles on and seems rather content with her choice of words.

We are strangers. That's what we are.

"Aren't you even going to congratulate me?" I ask her, a clip to my voice.

And then I swear I see it. And I don't understand what it means but I cant ignore it.

She breaks.

I watch whatever resolve she's been struggling to hold onto during this whole conversation, disappear and I see the hurt and the sadness and the regret and suddenly her eyes are moist and she's up and moving and rushing past me in a blur and as her body brushes mine and I can smell her and I can feel her and it sates me.

"Congratulations," she mumbles.

And then she's gone.

* * *

><p><em>Then<em>

His name is Sidney Crosby.

When Rebecca got home that night, she immediately logged onto her computer and educated herself on everything she could about the superstar. Hours later she emerged from a Youtube vortex, feeling a little intimidated and strangely disappointed. She kind of wished she didn't know all that now. It was much easier to indulge the crush in the few minutes where he'd come and saved her from the wrath of Rita. Then she assumed he was out of her league, now she knew he was on a completely different planet from her.

Now she knew more than she was even comfortable with. She worried about the next time she saw him. Would he be able to tell? Would he know that she was now like the rest of them? Another starry eyed fan.

As soon as the thought entered her head, she pushed it out. She was too sensible for that.

Was he nice?

Yes. He seemed to be.

Was he good looking?

Absolutely.

Was he built like a -–

Rebecca shook the thoughts from her mind. Instead she closed the window to the Sidney Crosby show and pulled up her law ethics homework.

The next few weeks were quiet. Claude forgave Rebecca easily for the Rita mishap. He was more concerned that she'd been stuck, than the fact that she'd wasted a package or two of ticketing material. Rebecca had been overwhelmed by his concern and understanding, but she was quickly learning that itwas just his way. He had quickly fallen into a fatherly role with her. Maybe it was the fact that he'd known her dad since they were kids or maybe because he had three girls of his own, whatever the reason, Rebecca found herself more and more comfortable with her surroundings and she had Claude to thank for that.

The team had left for Sweden for a couple weeks. They would start their season there, while the rest of the staff was left to prepare the arena for another season of hockey in Pittsburgh.

Rebecca still felt like a bit of an outsider in it all. She was slowly gaining more and more responsibilities but it seemed like the group, the organization, had been through something together and it had created a bond.

One afternoon Claude explained it all to her. How close they'd been to the championship. How hard the guys had worked only to come up short. It had been heart breaking for everyone, as they all played a part in making this group succeed.

It was hard for Rebecca to wrap her head about that. She'd always been so logical, so disconnected from anything highly emotional. Her dad and Molly bled for their sports teams. They'd cheered and cried together, while Rebecca had just looked on, trying and failing to understand how someone could put so much emotion into just a game.

Of course she hadn't said that to Dad or Molly and now she didn't say it to Claude either.

Time passed and the team was back. She and Claude had been up to their elbows in reservations as they worked on the friends and family visiting schedule for the year.

How it worked was players submitted dates and information about visitors they wanted to have throughout the year. Big games, birthdays, holidays, whatever the reason, the team arranged all the travel specifics. Hotel rooms, flights, tickets to the game. There would be a number of last minute bookings of course, Claude had stressed to Rebecca that everything could change at a moments notice, thus the reason for wacky hours and incredible flexibility. Names and dates crossed their desk but Rebecca and her mentor didn't ask any questions. They just did their job and quickly they were working quite nicely together. Claude was impressed with how quick Rebecca worked, how focused she was and Rebecca was grateful that she was actually making a real contribution and helping in Claude's workload.

On Wednesdays, Rebecca only had classes in the evenings, so she spent the mornings at the arena. It was her favorite day of the week because she got to spend her break watching the Penguins morning skate. Sometimes it was because there was a game that night, sometimes because they were just practicing and sometimes they weren't even there because they'd gone to the practice facility. She didn't know a thing about the sport and watching the practices or morning skates didn't make it any easier to understand. She like watching the speed at which they moved and the bond they all seemed to have with one another. It was fascinating to watch.

Her family would laugh if they could see her. But Rebecca didn't care. Hiding out in the upper deck, she lingered at the entry way, watching the players below. She tried to tell herself it wasn't so she could see him, but even Rebecca couldn't make herself sound convincing.

Her job allowed for her to make periodical trips down to the main level. It was intimidating to be honest. The main level comprised of the locker room, access to the ice, the players lounge and the trainers' offices. Once Rebecca was done putting player packets together, Claude would send her down to deliver the packets to the trainers. The trainers would then put the packets in the players travel bags.

Easy peasy.

The first time she had to do it, Claude came with her. A number of the players were milling about the lounge area, having lunch and freshly showered after their morning practice. Claude had introduced her to the group. Rebecca couldn't help but notice Sidney wasn't there.

On her inaugural visit she met Pascal Dupuis, Maxime Talbot and Evgeni Malkin. She ran their names through her head, hoping she could match their faces to the names she continued to see over and over as she poured over their travel itineraries.

"Boys, this is Rebecca Cooper. Rebecca is my intern for the year. She'll be doing some deliveries and helping me out with a few things, so don't be surprised if you see here around here and please make her feel welcome." Claude's voice was a mix of authority and genuine cordiality.

The guys, who were all huge and intimidating to Rebecca nodded and smiled, welcoming her warmly.

Evgeni, just stared at her for a few moments and Rebecca was beginning to grow uncomfortable.

Suddenly his face lit up. "To get the service that is super, look no further than Cooper. Pay no attention to the rest, our tires are the very best, come to Cooper Tires!" He sang the jingle with a terrible voice and heavy accent.

Rebecca wasn't sure what to do, as she, Claude and the otherplayers stared at the tall Russian.

"You Cooper tires?" Evgeni asked, looking at Rebecca rather intensely.

Suddenly all eyes were on her. "N-n-no." she stammered, completely caught off guard. "No, I'm sorry, I know Cooper tires, but it's a different Cooper. Sorry," she finished lamely.

The player introduced to her as Max, just let out a hearty laugh and clapped his teammate on the back.

"Don't listen to him," he told her, his voice also accented, not as much and this time it was French.

"He's our crazy Russian."

The group began to laugh and Rebecca smiled hoping she wasn't part of the joke.

It was a week later she came down that way again. Claude had filled her arms with packets for the road trip out west that would be happening in a few days. Only on this day there weren't a lot of players around. It was a Saturday evening and the team had player earlier that day. She'd arrived just as the game ended, she'd been two hours short that week due to a number of projects that seemed to come due all at once and this was the only time she could fit it in. Claude of course had been in his office, he'd taken in the game, a loss to Montreal and then headed to his office to tie up a few loose ends. Rebecca had made it through the throngs of people leaving, wishing she'd picked a different day to come in, but her schedule just wouldn't allow it. Disorganized and scatter brained Claude had dumped the folders into Rebecca's hands and instructed her to drop them off in the trainer's office immediately.

She got lost on the way down. The arena wasn't terribly big, but it seemed like a maze to her.

Off the elevator she'd made a few wrong turns and now she had no idea where she was and there was no one around to help her. To any passer by she probably just looked like a lost fan. She wore just jeans and a t-shirt, with her favorite cardigan. It was always freezing in the Igloo, go figure. Her hair was braided down the side of her head and the enormous stack of folders filling her arms hid her staff access pass from view. She looked all around for something, anything that was familiar, but it all looked the same. For a moment she had an irrational thought that she'd be lost here for hours. That Claude would forget she'd come today, he'd been so distracted when she'd arrived. Trying not to panic Rebecca turned around and tried to retrace her steps back, so then she could try again. But it just made things worse as the surrounding became more and more foreign to her. Then, miraculously, she heard the faint sound of voices.

Relief washed over her. Quickening her steps, she followed the sound. But as she got closer, she realized the voices were angry. They were close now, just around the corner she surmised. She halted in her half run and waited for a few moments. She didn't want to interrupt an argument or a private moment. The voices were clear now. One angry, one regretful.

Very carefully she peeked around the corner and saw the two men about thirty feet away. One of the men was Sidney. Rebecca's pulse involuntarily began to quicken. She hadn't seen him since that day in Claude's office over a month ago. Well, that wasn't completely true, she'd seen him during the practices and once on the front office floor coming out of an office with some men in suits. He was leaning back against the wall, still in part of his uniform. His cheeks were deeply flushed and his hair wet with sweat. His face was troubled and Rebecca realized he was the regretful voice in this heated conversation. The other voice belonged to a man a bit older. Stockier, with short graying hair. He was the angry voice in the conversation. Rebecca, knowing she shouldn't, shrunk back into hiding and listened.

"I get it," Sid said weakly to the man in front of him.

"I don't know if you do, son." Troy shot back. "We barely see you all summer, I cant get a hold of you no matter when I call you. Your mother is worried sick. And then when we finally get down here, I see this lackluster performance. Ignoring us so you can prepare is one thing, but you were sloppy out there, what is going on?"

Sid didn't have an answer for his dad. He knew they'd be coming into town for the game and he hadn't made himself available. There were answers he could give Troy, but none of them his father would like and more importantly those answers would just be mean and spiteful and not productive. So he kept his mouth shut as his father continued to rant about his back checking.

Whether he was satisfied with his tongue lashing or just tired of yelling, Troy heaved a heavy sigh.

"Go shower, I'm going to find your mom. We'll grab a bite ok?"

Sid just nodded and gave a quiet, "Ok."

Rebecca heard footsteps, then the man who based on the conversation she now knew was Sidney's dad, came around the corner catching her completely off guard. He looked at her for a moment, his face made of steel, then with his mouth set in a tight line continued out of sight.

Rebecca wasn't sure what to do. She could follow Sidney's dad and hope that he led her back to civilization or she could round the corner and ask Sidney for directions. Although, she had a feeling it would be slightly awkward. Maybe she could offer some words of encouragement. She was no stranger to pressure.

Awkward or not, it was the lesser of the scary options so she tentatively stepped around the corner and saw Sidney, his back still pressed up against the concrete wall, his head bent up staring at the high warehouse type ceiling above him. The heel of hand pressed into his eye as he kicked at the wall behind him.

"Excuse me," she said softly, self conscious that now for the second time interacting with the hockey star she would again be in need of help.

Sid's head whipped in the direction of the voice. At the end of the hall stood a girl, she looked familiar. She was carrying a large stack of something and she had a look on her face. Sid knew that look. He hated that look.

The look of pity. Sympathetic pity.

And he saw red.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he roared out to the girl.

The look of pity vanished and was replaced with shock.

"I, uh-uh-uh." The girl was stammering and he was too mortified, too humiliated that she had observed the exchange with his father to feel badly. The exchange where he was a pussy and his dad way once again the disappointed parent. He was too embarrassed to offer any sort of slack or understanding.

"You shouldn't be down here!" He stalked towards her. "Who are you? Get out of here!"

He was angry and coming towards her. Rebecca hadn't expected this reaction. He didn't even seem to remember her. And she, couldn't come up with anything to say, her heart hammering in her chest, as he continued to storm towards her.

"I'll call security!" he warned. "Go!"

But she couldn't go. She didn't know where to go. So she just stood there, frozen in shock.

"Did you hear me?" He was only a few feet from her now, his arm outstretched, his finger pointed.

Rebecca tried to say something but she was tongue tied. Instead she pulled at the lanyard buried between the stack of folders and her chest. She pulled at it and the folders began wobble dangerously close to collapsing in front of her.

"I work here." She finally managed to say.

Sidney's cheeks were flaming and his eyes still narrowed at her, his mouth set tight in a frown.

"Well, you don't belong here," his voice not as angry but still clearly irritated.

"I'm sorry," she replied quietly.

She could feel the anger coming off in waves. And he was different, definitely different that who she thought he was. And she knew that she had embarrassed him, eavesdropping on such a private conversation. But his reaction, was so much worse than she thought and she was scared.

She swallowed and rushed out before he could yell at her anymore, "Can you tell me how to get back to the elevators?"

He pointed down the hall behind him, his eyes hard and angry on hers.

"Make a left at the vending machines," he bit out.

She just looked at him for a moment. Wanting in a small way to tell him that it was alright, he didn't have to be embarrassed. But she knew it would make it worse, especially now that she knew who he was and his rank not only on this team but in the sport as a whole.

"Fucking go!" His voice was angry and jerked his finger down the hall, gesturing for her to leave.

Mumbling another apology, Rebecca rushed past him, the folders still wobbling and got out of there.

Sid rubbed at his eyes, ignored the nagging feeling of remorse for his behavior.

And when he turned around to head back to the locker room, she was gone.

_***I know Sid seems like kind of an asshole here, but I was trying to convey that he's so embarrassed, so self conscious that someone has witnessed this private moment with his dad, where basically he's getting scolded like a child that he lashes out. As always, thanks for reading and Go Pens!***_


	4. Chapter 4: Atonememt Part I

_***author's note: arghh, so sorry for the delay. Real life so hectic right now. Thanks for your patience and for reading!***_

_Now_

I spend the next week in a fog.

The Chicago thing had been the only excuse I could come up with to see her.

And it hadn't gone well.

Chicago went even worse.

A blizzard at game time and we were caught back on our heels pretty much the whole game.

Plus you couldn't even see the fucking puck.

Normally, I would have thrived in that climate. Thousands of games I spent growing up at the local pond in the dead of winter playing in weather much worse than that. Games where you brought your skates, your stick and a broom from your mom's kitchen closet. Games where every five minutes, play would be halted, boys would grab the brooms and we'd clear out to play again.

The truth. The bitter truth was that I had let my personal life into my game.

The whole mess started in Sochi.

Actually it started way before that, but since Sochi I haven't felt the same.

And now its starting to bleed into my play.

And that's unacceptable.

I've always been good at compartmentalizing, at least that's what my cousin called it one family party years ago when she'd just taken her first psychology class at the university. What ever it is, it usually works for me. Yeah, I let things get to me sometimes, but generally I can leave it all on the ice. And vice versa, nothing follows me onto the ice that isn't hockey.

But that was starting to change.

And I needed to figure it out soon.

Sochi was the start and I had less than a month for it to finish.

Because come April, there would be no excuses.

Five years since a cup. I hear about it constantly. It surrounds me. Injuries have played a part for sure. But this town wants a cup. This team wants a cup. I want a cup. And the excuses end now.

And then there is Becs.

She's been there for the whole thing. All of it.

And yet she's a stranger to me now.

Sochi was the nail in the coffin for Katy and me. Years of back and forth, breaking up and getting back together again. We'd try to make it work, then distance and work would cause it to fizzle out. Time would go by and we'd try again. But it was obviously not meant to be. Schedules never allowed for us to spend more than a week together. She all over the world doing her thing, me doing mine. I was exhausted. We hadn't spoken in months when she contacted me at the end of January. She'd called and we'd talked for nearly an hour. She was coming into a new phase in her life she'd told me. She wanted to slow down, settle down. She wanted to give us a shot, a real shot. I hadn't seen her since the summer, when we were off we usually didn't communicate. I had no idea what she'd been up to, but she was so eager, so persuading on the phone to try this all again that I caved.

I was just so lonely.

So fucking lonely. And so I thought, why not?

Sochi was supposed to be "our" time she told me. And I should have known better. We barely saw each other. There had been no time. My schedule had been crazy. Nearly every minute was planned out meticulously. The night of closing ceremony we'd talked.Argued, really. We both realized it wasn't going to work. Especially not when I wasn't "giving it my all" according to Katy.

And thing was that I didn't really care. I didn't care at all.

She was a distraction, a place holder in my life, a bookmark in my story. Holding my place but not contributing to the story. She moved along as my story moved along and when I needed to stop she was there. ButI didn't want to stop. I didn't want to hold my place. I wanted to keep going, I wanted to get to that happily ever after. The end of the book where I got the win and I got the girl.

Only I didn't know how to get the girl. Five years and I still didn't know how to get the girl.

_Then_

Rebecca was going to call in sick.

She'd decided that on the way home that Saturday evening. She'd found the elevator easily following Sidney's angry directions and spent the entire ride up holding back the tears.

She quickly wrapped up her work and made up some excuse to Claude about leaving early.

The bus ride home she had her mind made up, she couldn't go back there, not anytime soon. She was humiliated. Mortified by what had happened. She knew she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time but it didn't change the fact that she couldn't see him. Not ever.

But come Monday morning she was back at the igloo. She'd spent her Sunday visiting her mom's grave and then had dinner at her Aunt Hilary's. Her aunt and uncle had been so eager to hear about her new internship. They'd oohed and ahhed at Rebecca's recounting of who she'd met and what she'd done. They were especially excited when she told them she could getthem tickets to a game. Claude had told her that one of the perks of this "thankless" job was she could have tickets to any game she'd like. She could even watch from one of the team boxes if she wanted to invite her dad and sister. Rebecca wasn't sure if she would take Claude up on the box invitation but she was happy to pass along the tickets to family and friends.

After telling her aunt and uncle about the job, Rebecca was starting to feel guilty about wanting to call in sick. She was so lucky to have this job and while it was a mysterious world to her, the people she spoke to never hesitated to tell her how unbelievable and fortunate she was to have landed this dream internship.

Then she'd had her weekly Sunday night phone call with her dad and she knew she'd have to go back on Monday. Every Sunday without fail he called at 8:30 on the dot and this week was no exception. Rebecca had just put in a load of laundry when the phone rang.

The words Dad Cell illuminated on her phone and she pressed accept.

"Hi Dad," Rebecca said brightly, happy to hear his familiar voice.

"Hey peanut butter." Her dad's deep and rich baritone voice was smooth and comforting. Rebecca liked to think she didn't get homesick, but today, hearing her dad call her the nickname she'd had since she was three years old, brought about a pang of melancholy that threatened to swallow her up.

They chatted about this and that for a few minutes and then the conversation moved to her time at the arena.

"And how's the job?" Daniel cooper asked expectantly, just as he had for the past two months.

"Fine." Rebecca's response was brief, as she was afraid her voice would betray her and her dad would sense something was wrong.

"Just fine? That was tough loss yesterday. Your boys looked lost in the neutral zone and the offense completely dried up." Her father said in an all knowing tone and Rebecca couldn't help but think he took some satisfaction in what he was saying, his allegiance to the orange and black. Not to mention, Rebecca didn't have any idea of what he was talking about. She wanted to tell him everything that happened. Getting lost, what she heard, how Sidney had treated her, but she knew she couldn't. For one, she knew he'd freak out if he knew how she'd been treated, especially by his team's biggest enemy and two, no matter how crazy it sounded, she couldn't expose Sidney like that. No matter how upset she was, she just couldn't let anyone know what she saw, not when it had clearly hurt him so badly. So instead she gave her dad a few vague details of her week and kept yesterday's events out of the conversation.

After a while, her dad's voice turned soft, "I'm proud of you Rebecca. Taking on so much, I know how hard you're working. You're doing so well and I know your mom's real proud of you too." His voice cracked a little bit at the end and Rebecca instantly felt her eyes well up.

"Thanks dad," her voice wavering as she fought not to cry. And she knew she'd go back tomorrow. She'd hold her head high and do her best. Because that was who she was. No matter what.

Her dad then put her little sister on the phone and after a few minutes of hearing about the trials and tribulations of middle school she said goodbye to molly and her dad.

Despite the overwhelming nerves, Rebecca showed up the next day for her usual shift but immediately she could sense something was off with Claude.

Removing her scarf and coat, Rebecca hung up the clothing and greeted Claude the same as she had since she'd started. Claude was hunched over his keyboard inputting dates and mumbled a nervous hello. He didn't even look in her direction and Rebecca grew uneasy. She didn't have a chance to think twice about it, as Claude immediately instructed her to head over to PR to work on a mailing for the Pens Foundation that needed to be out by the end of the day.

Following his instructions she made her way down the hall, cognizant of her surroundings as she kept a look out that none of the players were up on the front office floor, she was pretty sure the team was practicing early and there would be no reason he would be up here. It still didn't make the flurry of butterflies that swarmed her belly go away. With a quick step, she hurried to the public relations department and found a small group of staff sitting around the big conference table surrounded in envelopes and fliers about an upcoming fundraiser.

Chatting up the group, Rebecca grabbed a stack of envelopes and a sheet of labels and got to work, all uneasiness pushed to the back of her mind.

Three hours later, Rebecca was done for the day. She had class in a few hours, so she would catch the 12:10 bus just outside the arena and go home for lunch before grabbing her books and heading to campus. She stopped in Claude's office to get her things and say goodbye when she saw him sitting tiredly in his chair, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, while his glasses were pushed up onto his large forehead.

He looked up when he saw her and she could feel his discomfort radiate in the room.

"Rebecca," he said, as if he'd been waiting for her.

"Please, sit." He gestured to the chair in front of him and Rebecca's butterflies took flight.

A million thoughts raced through her mind, but one stood out from the rest. She was about to be fired.

Sidney, his dad, whoever, they had gotten her fired.

Rebecca sat down, her hands clasped nervously in her lap as she tried not to fidget.

"This is an awkward position to be in," Claude began, his glasses back on his face as he looked at her with apologetic eyes.

"Sir, I swear, I didn't know-" Rebecca cut in, hoping to have some way of saving herself.

Claude put up a hand, silencing her. "It has come to my attention that you were privy to a private moment the other day among the talent."

The way he said talent made Rebecca uncomfortable, as if they weren't real people just some object.

"I know it was an accident, that you had gotten turned around on your errand to the trainers offices. You are not at fault and you are not in trouble." Claude said quickly, a weak smile on his face.

He must have noticed the pale and panicked look on Rebecca's face, as he rushed out the next few sentences.

"However, this organization prides itself on discretion and professionalism, I was asked, that what you saw and heard, well, that you not share it with anyone. I want to remind you that's stated in the privacy agreement you signed"

Rebecca was dumbfounded, confused. She wasn't in trouble, no one was mad, they were just afraid she'd said something? And shouldn't she be receiving some sort of apology and not feel like she owed one to Claude or even Sidney? Or was being the best hockey player in the world make you exempt from apologizing to nobodies like her?

"I'm sorry?" She said, not as an apology but rather clarification.

"We need to know that you haven't put a player's family matter on any channels of social media you are associated with. MySpace, Twitter, Facebook, that sort of thing. There is a concern that you may have shared your experience in a public manner which would create a negative perception of...the talent."

This whole conversation was putting a bad taste in Rebecca's mouth. What did they think she was? Some gossip?

Rebecca couldn't help but feel offended, who did they think she was?

Claude was now staring, looking even more uncomfortable and Rebecca felt obligated to ease his fears.

"No, I don't have Twitter or MySpace. I have Facebook, but I don't use it too often. I…" she wasn't sure how to finish. She didn't know what Claude wanted her to say. All of a sudden she was feeling very much like an outsider.

Claude had been like a father figure to her in the short time she'd been here. Except for the RITA debacle, Rebecca had been a perfect employee and she thought they really worked well together. But now he was looking at her with distant eyes, he was in full administrator mode and she the lowly employee.

She hated feeling this way and she hated Sidney for making her feel this way.

The exchange between her and Claude came to a shaky conclusion. Rebecca mumbled more assurances that she would not breathe a word of what she saw, which she had to admit was getting ridiculous. Sure it had been a private moment she didn't need to see, but it wasn't like she'd witnessed something scandalous. It was totally being blown out of proportion and she suddenly she was worried this "infraction" would appear on her final evaluation.

She remained composed while she gathered her things, she gave Claude a weak smile and a quiet goodbye and left.

She kept calm on the way out, she stayed cool when she realized it was now pouring and she had no umbrella, she stayed focus as she sprinted to her bus stop and she managed to keep it together when she realized that she'd missed her bus and the next one wouldn't arrive for another 20 minutes. She was fully prepared to stand there and wait in the freezing rain. She couldn't and wouldn't let what was becoming a rather shitty day affect her.

That is until a car, a SUV rushed past her and turned a corner sending a frigid and rather sizable puddle of water her way, drenching her from head to toe.

She stood shocked for a split second, her body instantly strumming with painful chills from the cold.

And that's when she lost it. Blind rage overcame her, as hot and angry tears pooled then poured down her face, freezing her hot cheeks that had been blazing ever since the horrible conversation had started in Claude's office. The SUV was stopped in traffic and without thinking, Rebecca pulled a half full water bottle from her bag and heaved it at the SUV.

"Asshole," she yelled, fully knowing the driver couldn't hear her but feeling a little bit better for saying it nonetheless. The bottle hit the rear window with a loud bump, then bounced off and fell into the road, rolling pathetically away before another car could crush it.

The bottle had been useless, it made no real impact, no damage, but to her horror, she watched the SUV's white lights appear as it became clear the vehicle was moving in reverse and coming towards her. If she hadn't been so angry about the day's events and so freezing cold, her now soaked clothes adding what felt like 40 pounds to her petite form, she would have made a run for it. The owner could be a psychopath, although he'd have to be a rich one, because as the SUV came closer, Rebecca could see that it was a Range Rover. Rebecca didn't know much about cars, but she knew that was a fancy one.

Take a deep breath and swiping at her eyes, she stood tall and confident, ready to battle the rude driver if needed.

Standing there dripping, she was sure she looked like a drowned rat. Her makeup was undoubtedly a mess and her eyes were surely red and squinty, as she knew for a fact she was an ugly crier.

The Range Rover came to a stop right in front of her, and she steeled herself for the confrontation. She didn't think this guy had a leg to stand on, seeing that the bottle did no damage to his car and she was surely going to get pneumonia from this.

The tinted passenger window rolled down and Rebecca was met with what was becoming a familiar face.

It was him.

Sid's head had been a million miles away when he heard the bang come from the back of his car. He'd finished up practice and was heading to meet some of the guys for lunch before they headed out for the road trip. It was a nasty day. November weather was never really pleasant, but today was especially cold and the freezing rain didn't help. The noise had startled him and when his eyes flicked to the rear view mirror he saw a woman yelling from the corner and he could tell she was soaked, he could also tell what she had just yelled too. Instantly he felt badly. It was clear that he had just doused the woman when he'd taken that corner a little faster than he should. It would be polite to apologize, even though the woman appeared to be really pissed. But he would be too and that's why he couldn't just leave. Sighing, he briefly considered how this could play out, considering who he was, but decided it was the right thing to do.

It wasn't until he rolled down his passenger window and the heartfelt apology was halfway out of his mouth that he realized who she was.

"I'm really sorry about th—" He stopped mid-sentence when he realized that the soaking wet woman was Rebecca.

He'd learned her name when he'd gone to Claude's office the day after their exchange looking to apologize and make sure she hadn't started some internet sensation about how Sidney Crosby was a mega jerk-off. He'd remembered who she was about 30 seconds after she'd disappeared from his sight. Giving himself a few seconds to calm down, he suddenly had connected the dots and realized who she was and why she was in that corridor. He'd instantly felt terrible. He'd been upset and exposed and he'd acted like…well a mega jerk-off. Sheepishly he'd confessed to Claude what had happened and why he needed to learn the name of Claude's newest intern. He made the mistake of mentioning a concern about what "public" ramifications the encounter could bring about and Claude went into damage control mode. He assured he would speak with Rebecca and make sure that she didn't say anything about what happened. Sid worried that the apology he had would get lost in that conversation, but he was too embarrassed about the whole situation to push it.

Now here he was face to face with this girl who he seemed to keep running into and in the most unfortunate of circumstances.

"Oh, hi." Was his stupid follow up to the broken sentence he'd started with.

The girl, Rebecca, just stared at him, red faced and understandably freezing, a frown on her face.

"It's you." She seethed.

Well this was awkward.

"Hey, Rebecca, right?" Sid tried to keep it light, ignoring the fact that he was yelling across his car and she was standing in heavy rain shivering uncontrollably.

He watched as she began to walk away and he called out, "Wait, do you want a ride?" It was the least he could do.

"No." she said sharply not bothering to look at him. It appeared that she was trying to maintain some dignity, but she really was soaked through.

Putting the car in drive, Sid began to drive slowly, following Rebecca as she was walking.

"Come on, let me give you a ride." He insisted.

She continued on her way, her gaze straight ahead, her chin jutted forming a stubborn profile.

"Please, Rebecca, get in the car." Sid pleaded, not quite sure why he didn't just drive away. Although, the crushing guilt was probably a factor.

"Leave me alone," she shouted turning to face him.

A car behind him angrily honked.

Sid was quickly growing frustrated.

"Look, I'm sorry about splashing you back there and for the other day, if you'd just get in I can explain—oh shit!"

He'd been in mid plead when all of a sudden Rebecca went down hard. One second she was stalking down the street, obviously she was a stubborn person and next thing she was out of his view and crumpled on the sidewalk.

Quickly Sid put the car into park and jumped out, quickly racing around the Range Rover.

The car behind him honked again and Sid shot the driver a deathly look.

"She fell," he yelled gesturing wildly at Rebecca on the sidewalk, "Fucking go around me!"

He quickly came to her side, although she was already on her hands and knees, attempting to stand.

Sid felt badly about how pathetic she looked and tried to help her up by grabbing her elbow gently.

"Leave me alone!" she shouted, wrenching her arm away from him, but as she tried to stand, she slipped again and fell back to her hands and knees. Apparently she'd found herself on a sizable patch of ice that the frigid wet temperatures had created.

Sid took a step back, he didn't want to escalate the situation any longer. He had done everything he could think of, he didn't want her flipping out on him, so he kept a safe distance.

After a moment, Rebecca was able to stand. Shooting him a dirty look, she brushed herself off, picked up her belongings and started to walk. She didn't get far, as she discovered she'd twisted her ankle pretty badly and it was obvious she was in pain.

"Will you let me help you?" Sid asked in a quiet but exasperated voice. He was now dripping too, as the rain had picked up.

Rebecca face clearly showed she was battling with herself, but finally she turned and nodded reluctantly.

"Okay."


	5. Chapter 5: Atonement Part II

_Then_

Rebecca regretted her decision the moment she was in his car. She didn't have much of a choice however, as her ankle was throbbing and the chill had set deep into her bones. It was just so awkward sitting in that passenger seat as the agonizing drive began towards her home. Sidney had asked her if she wanted to go to the doctor or to the hospital but Rebecca knew he was on a time crunch. His flight took off at 3:55, she knew because she'd just prepared the itineraries a few days earlier. She begrudgingly admitted it was a nice gesture, him being so concerned, but she didn't want to get stranded in a waiting room for the next couple hours, not when she had so much to do. Plus she was freezing. Quite literally freezing and she was sure hypothermia would soon set in. So she declined the offer and instructed him on how to get her home.

"You need to take off your clothes."

Rebecca was broken from her thoughts at the sound of Sidney's voice. Her head whipped to look at him and noticed he immediately realized he misspoke. A bright red hue blossomed high on his cheeks. He didn't look at her.

"I, uh, I mean, you're soaked through, I've got something…" he trailed off as his arm extended back and around to the back seat and he began feeling around for something. A few seconds later he came up with a bundle of black fabric. He held it out for Rebecca to take.

"It's a sweatshirt, it's not perfect but it should help." He cast a sideways look in Rebecca's direction, his eyes full of remorse.

She took the bundle from him and mumbled a reluctant thank you.

Too cold to be self conscious, Rebecca peeled off her coat and sweater and tossed the wet garments to the floor of the passenger seat. She wore a sheer white top underneath and worked quickly to pull the sweatshirt over her head seeing that the soaked top was giving off a free show to Sidney. The thing was that getting a coat and a sweater off with a seatbelt on wasn't difficult. Getting a hooded sweatshirt on, was. It wasn't just difficult, it was nearly impossible, especially when one is working quickly to avoid showing off the pink bra that could be clearly seen through the wet white fabric. Rebecca had naively thought that she'd hit rock bottom and that nothing worse could happen.

She was wrong.

With her head stuck in the arm hole, her arm caught between the seatbelt and the hood and the other arm hole tangled around her waist, Rebecca had never felt more foolish or mortified by her predicament.

She was truly the clumsiest, most awkward person to walk the earth and she seemed to keep finding herself in these scenarios in front of Sidney.

"Whoa, what do you have going on over there?" His voice was saturated in amusement. Pulling up to a stoplight, Sidney reached out to tug at the thick material.

"I...I...I don't know," Rebecca said, her voice muffled and filled with frustration.

"Let me help," Sid replied, turning towards her and pulling at the fabric. He wasn't quite sure how she'd gotten so tangled, so quickly. Rebecca wasn't too receptive to the idea of him helping, so she continued her struggle to get untangled. However, her movements, paired with Sid's unwelcome efforts only made things worse. Then it got worser. While that wasn't a word, it could only explain what happened next.

In his attempt to pull at the sweatshirt from a squirming Rebecca, Sid's hand brushed up against her chest and Sid found himself with a palmful of breast and Rebecca's blind squirming made it worse as she arched into his hand while attempting to pull her arm free.

And just like that, he was feeling her up. They'd never even been formally introduced and he was already to second base.

It was only for a split second and Sid pulled his hand away as if he'd been burned just as Rebecca pulled herself free and her head popped out. She hadn't seen what happened but she'd felt it. Boy, had she felt it. She could feel her own face become hot and for a moment their eyes locked. Both shocked by what had happened.

"So-sor-sorry." Sid stuttered, clearly just as embarrassed as she.

Rebecca didn't say anything, she just dumbly looked down at the sweatshirt that lay in a pile on her lap and at the see through top that clung to her like a second skin and was mortified to see that due to the accidental gesture, her nipples were hard and were straining clearly against the fabric. Her eyes flew to Sidney. His eyes were glued to her chest. Then came a honk from the car behind them, as the red light had turned green.

Sidney's eyes were back on the road and his face now wore a worse blush than Rebecca's.

Quickly Rebecca unlatched the seat belt, bent forward and slipped the sweatshirt over her head and around her body. The sweatshirt clearly a few sizes larger than she what she normally wore, swimmed around her. But she didn't care. It was warm and soft and it smelled so good.

They didn't speak for the rest of the drive.

Sid kept his eyes glued to the road. Rebecca had gotten the sweatshirt on safely and had resigned herself to staring out the passenger window and staying silent.

Which was fine by him. He didn't know what was worse, accidentally grabbing her breast or that she caught him staring at her chest. Both were embarrassing, although the breast grabbing wasn't so bad, not that he'd admit it of course.

Try as he might, he couldn't help but sneak a few peeks in her direction. He didn't want to think about the feelings that bubbled up when he saw her drowning in his sweatshirt and he most definitely didn't want to indulge in the urge to pull free the damp hair that lay caught inside the hood. Instead his fingers gripped the steering wheel and he focused on getting her home.

Rebecca lived over a Jewish deli. She'd been there since junior year. It was small and a little run down, but she'd made it cozy and comfortable and the price was just within her budget. The Oakland neighborhood was always buzzing and with school nearby and the Igloo just down the road, she rarely made use of her car that spent most of its time in a student lot paying more rent than she did. The apartment was in a perfect location, however, getting to the apartment led something to be desired. A steep set of stairs around the back of the building was her only entrance and as Sidney pulled around to the alley behind the deli, Rebecca realized it was not very conducive to injured ankles.

Sid noticed the stairs, just as Rebecca was realizing her fate.

"I'll help you up." His voice was soft.

"No, it's ok." She replied.

"They're pretty steep."

"I'll be fine."

Sid heaved a heavy sigh.

"Why wont you let me help you?" he asked, not bothering to mask his annoyance.

"Because I can do it on my own." was her curt reply.

"What if you can't?" Sid pressed.

"It's not your problem." Rebecca shot back.

"You are infuriating, you realize that right?" Sid said, his patience clearly gone.

"And you're an asshole." She wanted to say and a perverted one at that, but she didn't, she couldn't be that mean.

Sid stared, speechless. His mouth agape as he tried to process her words.

He was irritated and insulted. Who did this girl think she was? Here he was trying to help her and she was being nothing more than an ungrateful -

"Do you know why I was standing on that corner?" Rebecca asked, turning in her seat, her eyes narrowed on his. Sid put the Range Rover in park, ready to get her out of his car as quickly as possible, when she spoke again.

"It was because I was being lectured for 20 minutes on how I shouldn't say anything about how you yelled at me the other day. How you screamed at me and said nasty things. How small and stupid you made me feel. I missed my bus because I had to get a lesson on who Sidney Crosby is."

Sid didn't say anything. Rebecca continued.

"I made a wrong turn. I had every right to be there. I got lost and I saw something I shouldn't have seen. But you, you made me feel like I was trespassing or something. You were in the wrong and yet it was me who dreaded coming to work today. I was terrified to see you. Worried about what would happen. And instead of an apology or at least an admission of a misunderstanding, I was informed that instead of you being remorseful for what happened, were only concerned that I would tell someone. Which, by the way, I didn't. Im not that kind of person. I wouldn't do that. But I am a person and I've got feelings and just because you are who you are doesn't mean that your feelings trump everyone elses. So forgive me if I'm not falling all over myself thanking you for giving me a ride and feeling me up after all that's happened."

Rebecca finished her rant and silently congratulated herself for not breaking down in tears, although they were waiting patiently to fall when she'd finally be alone again.

He stayed silent, so Rebecca unbuckled her belt and bent down to gather her things. Her hand was on the handle when he finally spoke.

"I'm sorry."

Rebecca stilled.

"I'm not an asshole. I'm sorry about the other day, I really am. I did remember who you were, afterwards. I went to Claude's office to apologize but you weren't there. I told him what happened, I wasn't trying to get you in trouble. I think Claude sort of missed the point of me being there, but it's not his fault. It's mine. I was embarrassed of what you saw and I was wrong. Very wrong. And I'm trying to make up for it. But things keep happening to make it worse. I'm very sorry about what happened earlier too."

His face was soft and full of remorse and Rebecca felt the flutter reappear in her belly. Flutters that had no business being there.

And she couldn't hold a grudge and she couldn't pretend she didn't melt a little bit at his mini speech.

"Can we just start over?" Sid asked, his voice low as he extended a hand.

Rebecca stared at it and then extended out her hand as well, softly grasping his.

"Hi, I'm Sid," he said, his face friendly and his eyes bright as his hold was gentle on her hand.

"Hi, I'm Rebecca." she replied her voice soft.

"Rebecca," Sid's face grew into a wide smile, "It's nice to meet you."

_Now_

I haven't seen him since that day in my office. I thought I could handle it. Stay professional, detached. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

And I chickened out, I had my chance to tell him I was leaving and I couldn't do it. I couldn't say the words, I couldn't even think the words with him there. It had been a while since we'd spoken and I tried to stay calm and cool and collected.

I almost made it.

If he wants to get married fine. If he wants to marry her, whatever. He made his choice, I get it. Every time I get it. I'm not her, I will never be her.

And now I'm done and I dont want to do it anymore. I dont want to house this broken heart any longer.

I manage to avoid him for the next few weeks, I focus on packing and studying for the LSAT. My test is in a few weeks and its been years since I've had to study for anything. I'm a little overwhelmed; working all day then coming home to pack up the past 8 years of my life in Pittsburgh, while studying for the most important test of my life. But I think about my options and my choices and the goals I need to set for myself and I push ahead, ignoring the quiet doubt that fights stubbornly in the back of my mind. The one that tells me I'm doing this for all the wrong reasons.

But I'm not, I tell myself. I am stuck. Correction, I was stuck. And now I'm moving forward, the reasons don't matter.

If packing and studying isn't hard enough at home, I'm swamped at work. Trying to finish up the year and forecast the playoffs is always challenging. Its even harder this year because I'm making notes and setting up for the next person. Trying to make the transition as smooth as possible.

While is why it's after 7 o'clock today and I'm just now leaving work. I'm exhausted. I was up until 3:00 a.m. studying and when I get home its more of the same. But I'm focused I remind myself, only a month or so to go.

I stifle a yawn as I get on the elevator and take it down to the main level. I just have to drop off a few things at the trainer's office. As soon as the elevator doors open I see a flurry of activity. People are rushing past me and for a split second I think I have my days mixed up, is there a game tonight?

I scan the schedule in my head and I know that there isn't, the team doesn't play until Saturday in Philly, I should know because I got tickets for my dad and Molly. Yet, people are passing me, running around like the teams about to hit the ice. Then I see some players and they are dressed, but not in their uniforms but in tuxedos. And then I remember.

It's skates and plates. The yearly fundraiser had completely slipped my mind.

I quickly begin to weave through the people staying focused on getting to the trainers office and then to the exit, without being noticed.

I fail. I haven't gone twenty feet when I hear the thick and heavy accented voice.

"Cooper!"

I feel badly but I pretend not to hear.

"Oopsy!" He shouts across our short distance.

I cringe at the nickname Geno's been calling me for the past five years. It's not mean spirited, I'll be the first to tell you I'm a klutz and from Geno it's endearing. Nevertheless, its still a little embarrassing and not something I wanted yelled across a hall filled with the organizations elite and who's who of the Pittsburgh media.

I stop and turn around to face the tall Russian standing only a few feet from me and filling out a tuxedo rather well. He's wearing a goofy grin as well.

"Hi Geno," I say pleasantly, genuinely happy to see him despite the setting. I'm on edge already, worried I might see Sid or even worse, Katy.

"Thanks for card. I havent seen you since I've been back. I like it a lot." His speech is still halting despite the years and a give him a wide smile. I'd done some last minute scheduling for him after the disappointing loss in Sochi and he'd thanked me with a large fruit basket that had surprised me when it landed at my front door a few days later. In return, I'd sent him a thank you note with my condolences on the early exit.

We chat for a minute or so, just silly chit chat and I know that he will be among those I miss the most when I leave. I also know I will probably never talk to him after I go.

Our conversation is quickly interrupted by the sudden arrival of Maureen Kunitz, whose hands are filled with corsages.

"Geno," she says urgently. She shoots me an apologetic look. "Sorry, Rebecca, it's a madhouse in here. "You need a flower," as she thrusts one in Geno's direction. He stares at it likes its a venus fly trap. "Please put it on, we are way behind."

Geno takes the flower and makes a face.

Maureen turns to me, her face pleasant but pleading. "Can you help us? We are so short handed tonight and I've got about ten more guys I need to get these to. Please Rebecca?"

I like Maureen. She's one of the nicer WAGs that have come through the organization. She's always volunteering for things, which makes sense because she is great at organizing. The Kunitz's are always one of my favorite families to schedule for, super organized and always get their information in way before a deadline. So I know I have to help.

I tell her sure and she hands me about seven corsages to distribute before she takes off in the direction of the locker room. I give Geno a mock serious face and stand up on my tiptoes to pin his rose on his lapel. Once pinned, we say our goodbyes and I set off in search of flowerless players. They are easy to find and quickly my pile of corsages has dwindled to one. It has been actually kind of fun, being a part of all this, even if only for a few minutes. I feel a pang of sadness, knowing that this part of my life is coming to an end. I look down at the flower and for a moment I wish that things had been different. But I can't spend my life wishing and hoping. I see a flash of black at my side and I look up to see if there is a flower on the lapel, so that I can rid myself of this last corsage and get home.

No flower, is the good news. I look up at the person with the empty lapel and there is my bad news.

I try not to look at him for too long. Which is hard because he really is the most handsome person I've ever seen. The tuxedo fits his frame beautifully. He's gotten his hair cut and the way he smells makes me homesick for home that was never mine. He gives me a small smile and I just frown. I scan the crowd looking for Katy. Or really anyone with a flower in their hand who can help get the captain his corsage so we can all be on our way.

No luck.

"Here," I say handing him the white bundle, ready to turn and walk away.

"Wait," he calls and I stop. I should keep walking. i should not turn around.

"Please," his voice is soft but urgent and I should not turn around.

"Rebecca, please."

And I turn around.

His face is earnest, his smile tentative, his eyes large but gentle. He's looking at me like I'm a deer he's stumbled upon in the forest and doesn't want to scare off.

"Will you help me?" he holds up the corsage and gives me the grin. The crooked grin he's famous for when trying to get what he wants. The grin that breaks my resolve and takes me back to that place all those years ago.

I don't reply, but walk towards him and hold out my hand. When he hands me back the corsage, our fingers touch and I pretend I don't feel the electric current race up my arm and punch my chest. I extend my arms, hoping to keep as much distance as possible as my fingers begin to shake and my heart begins to race.

He takes a step closer and then another and then he's officially in my personal space.

And I can't breathe properly.

He's not touching me, but I can feel every inch of him. I inhale, because that's what people do and I let myself remember and forget all at once.

For those few seconds I just let myself...be.

I let my body strum with nearness of him. I let my senses cloud over as my fingers work with the pin and the fabric of his jacket. I know he's looking at me, but I keep my eyes focused on the fabric in front of me. I can feel the heat of his stare and it's taking my strongest will not to look up at him.

I can almost feel the drumming of his heart beat under my fingertips as I smooth out the lapel and make sure his flower is secure. My arms drop to my sides but I don't move my position.

Our height difference puts my gaze at his shoulder and though I shouldn't I peek over at his adam's apple that is bobbing against the smooth pale skin of his throat.

My inability to breathe has my chest heaving and if I just take one small step forward we would collide.

And I could feel. Really feel.

And I would remember.

As if I could forget.

"Becs," his voice is hoarse, strained and suddenly I feel his hand, his fingers reach out and gently grasp my hand.

His fingers, long and strong, wrap around mine and suddenly I'm there again and it's like no time has passed.

My eyes drift shut, letting the memories flood in as I allow myself to remember.

It's just an instant and then it's over.

His hand is gone from mine and he's being pulled back from me.

My eyes fly open and I see the apology on his face, as some official looking woman is pulling him away. Back to the crowd and back to his duties, to his responsibilities. his life.

A life that doesn't include me.

And I can breathe again.


	6. Chapter 6: Conversations

_Then_

Before Rebecca knew it, it was December. She was anxiously awaiting a response from Yale on her admittance. She didn't want to be cocky but she was sure she'd gotten in. The question was, would she get the aid she needed to make Yale Law School an actual possibility? She hadn't needed to worry about undergrad, her full scholarship paid for everything: classes, books and even a stipend to cover rent. Her grades and SAT scores had gotten her to Pitt easily, but was it enough to get her to the Ivy League? She wanted it so badly. She'd never felt so determined about anything in her life. She had a legacy to continue. A legacy that had come to a tragic end and it was up to her to pick up where her mom left off.

Christmas was coming soon and that meant the end of the semester. End of semester meant finals and Rebecca was using every spare second to study. She brought her textbooks everywhere, even her required 15 minute break at the Igloo was spent going over notes or rereading chapters. She'd even put her notes on one of those recorder do-dads so that she could go over them anytime she was on the bus or walking to class or even while she was in the shower. She'd gotten borderline obsessive and was one step away from putting her Policy Formation Process book under her pillow and pray for osmosis.

She was fully and completely distracted at work. She knew it and she felt badly about it, but she just found it too hard to care about inputting airport codes for parents week that wasn't until the new year. Focusing on data entry was hard enough, but then when given errands to run she often found herself in a complete and utter daze. Which is why for the first few weeks of December she found herself running into everything and everyone. She'd ride up and down the elevator twice before she'd remember to get off, she was running into tables and couches in the players lounge. She'd knocked over sports drinks and protein shakes as she walked blindly with her stack of itineraries balanced in her arms weaving in and out of traffic in the locker rooms, bumping into players and drink carts and anything else in her way. It had gotten so bad that she'd earned the nickname oopsy from the tall Russian, Geno. It had evolved from the Coopsy the players cheerfully called out in greeting when she made her way down during her many errands. But after the miriad of bloopers she'd displayed recently, Malkin, who found Coopsy to be a mouthful, renamed her oopsy and it stuck. Way more than she wanted it too. But the truth was, she was one big gag reel these days and even she had to admit it was funny. It got so bad that one of the maintenance men had joked with her one afternoon that she must be in love. That could be the only reason for the permanent glazed look she'd adopted recently. Rebecca's cheeks burned hotly at the older man's assessment, especially since he'd given it while emptying the trash in the players lounge and well within the earshot of many of the players. Quickly she'd assessed the room to see who had heard and would give her a hard time about it. Sure enough she caught eyes with Sid who was grinning like an idiot. A very good looking idiot, but an idiot all the same. She mumbled a feeble explanation about her exams and looked away quickly hoping to defuse the mortifying comment, but Max picked up on it quickly. He grabbed a banana from the snack table and was by her side, a mock interview quickly in place asking her who the lucky guy was.

It wasn't mean spirited or nasty, she'd quickly learned how their senses of humor worked. They loved playing pranks or embarrassing one another and they seemed happy to bring her into that whenever she stopped by. She guessed she should be flattered and she had to admit that she could often be too serious for her own good. She had a few friends in Pittsburgh, but not a genuine group that went out together and joked around with each other, a group like you'd see in an Abercrombie & Fitch ad or on a show on the CW. It wasn't like she was built for that kind of social platform anyway, but she did enjoy the inclusion she felt from the guys sometimes. Max continue his barrage of embarrassing questions and Rebecca couldn't help but search for Sidney again. She located him easily, but noticed an unreadable expression on his face and it made her feel warm and awkward and uncomfortable with this faux beau Max had built up.

Extracting herself quickly from the arm Max had slung over her shoulders, Rebecca made up a feeble excuse and beelined for the elevators, careful not to trip or bump into anything. Safe in the confines of the elevator, Rebecca's mind went to the other topic that had taken up nearly all of her brain power lately.

Sidney.

When she wasn't thinking about school, she was thinking about him. She'd been thinking about him nonstop since that disastrous afternoon. After their cease fire and reintroductions, which were more like an actual introduction, Sid insisted he help Rebecca to her apartment. No longer angry and now lost in how wide he smile actually was, Rebecca nodded dumbly and allowed the assistance. With her arm slung around his shoulders and his arm securely around her waist Sid led her up the narrow staircase with relative ease. Rebecca had been thankful that she'd recently cleaned her apartment, so that Sid wasn't inundated with old bowls of cereal and ramen noodles, or underwear strown all around the studio apartment. He set her up on the couch, propped her leg up and retrieved some ice from her freezer and put together a makeshift ice pack. Rebecca sat propped up on the couch while Sid stood over her, not quite sure what to do next. It was almost easier when disaster raged around them because at least there was something to focus on, this was just plain uncomfortable.

Mumbling a quick goodbye Sid made his way out of the apartment and Rebecca had thought about him everyday since.

Her love life wasn't exactly thriving these days. She'd had a few short term boyfriends during her college years, if you could call them boyfriends. She had a knack for attracting guys more awkward than she and together they usually skirted around something for a good while before actually presenting their intentions. Then after a few meh dates and some clumsy sex the relationship would die down and the calls would stop coming.

Not that this happened a lot. Twice actually. Rebecca had only been with three people since she became sexually active at the age of eighteen. She'd been a social pariah in high school, missing every typical high school experience a teenager had. Her first time had been Christmas, her second year in college. She'd gone home for the holidays and been persuaded to go to a party by her friend Justine. Upon entering the party, she'd realized they were all people who'd never spoken a word to her in high school and resided much higher up the social ladder than she had. Too many jello shots later she'd ended up in a bedroom with Peter Hill, a jock, but not one of the obnoxious ones. He'd been on the cross country team but they'd been in debate club together also. He was always quiet but nice and that's kind of how he ended up being in bed too. It was a typical first time. Clumsy, weird, kind of nice and a little bit painful. Peter had been very...polite, but there really wasn't anything to pursue, although she was grateful to him for holding back her hair when she started puking up lime jello during what was supposed to be the afterglow. She didn't speak to him after that night. The next two guys came in junior year and neither lasted very long. And now here it was senior year and the first person she'd ever had a legitimate crush on, ended up being a professional athlete and a complete one-eighty from anyone she'd ever be interested in before.

In the weeks since the conception of the crush, Rebecca hadn't seen much of Sid. Road trips and schedules didn't allow her to see much of him and vice versa. Not that she even had a the slightest delusion that he felt anything towards her like she did him.

Despite their encounters they knew nothing about one another (well other that what Rebecca had done during her cyber stalking). But that was about to change, one Sunday afternoon.

It had been a rough month for the team so far, their schedule had been busy and they hadn't played well. Rebecca had started to follow the wins and loses and knew the team was not doing great. She was putting in a full day at the Igloo and was spending her lunch hour studying in a quiet and isolated part of the arena she'd discovered while lost. It appeared to be an old equipment room that wasn't used anymore and it was the perfect place to escape to and get some reading in before Claude expected her back.

She'd been reading quietly in the corner on the top of some workout mats when she heard someone enter and then a voice.

"Yeah, I know." the voice heaved a heavy sigh and Rebecca instantly knew it was Sid.

She kept quiet, not wanting to eavesdrop but not really having a choice.

"I'm trying. Uh huh. Ok. I will. Yep, talk to you later. Love yo-" And then she heard the sound of a phone snap shut and then a loud "Fuck" along with some banging.

Not wanting a repeat experience, Rebecca instantly was on her feet and made herself known.

"Hey," she said to the broad back of Sid. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and shorts and had his head bent.

He startled at the sound of her voice and turned around to face her. His handsome face looked worn with worry.

"Sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to surprise you." Rebecca said quickly, her voice cautious. "I was just studying because its quiet here. I'll go." She held up her textbook at proof and headed toward the door quickly.

"No, wait." Sid's voice held no anger or irritation. It was tired but kind.

Rebecca turned towards him.

"Stay, please. I interrupted you." He said, he wasn't smiling but he also didn't seem bothered that she'd overheard a conversation that she assumed must have been with his father. "I'll go."

Rebecca didn't want that. She knew part of the reason was because of the crush she was harboring, but also because she felt bad for him and it seemed like he could use someone to talk to.

"You dont have to," she said tentatively. "Do you want to talk about it?"

It seemed like an insanely stupid question. Why would he, want to talk to her about something that clearly was a sensitive topic?

But Rebecca wanted him to stay and maybe she could help...somehow.

Sid scratched the back of his head and looked at her curiously.

"Eh, not really." he said, but settled down onto the mats and made himself comfortable. "But I'll hang out for a bit."

It seemed so surreal, but nevertheless Rebecca walked back to her spot and sat down next to him. He must have just finished practice, he was freshly showered and his hair was still a little bit wet. It put many images in Rebecca's head that she quickly shook out.

The awkward silence set in.

Rebecca smoothed her hands over the cover of her book, needing something to occupy her trembling hands and Sid took notice.

"What are you reading?" he asked.

"Oh, its just for school. Studying."

Sid nodded and looked at her, his face alive with interest.

It was disconcerting.

"Oh yeah? I figured you must be a student, where do you go?"

"Pitt. I'm a senior, so its my last year. I have finals next week and I'm trying to get in all the studying I can. This is environmental law. It's actually pretty interesting." Rebecca worried she was rambling, so she stopped talking.

But Sid seemed genuinely interested.

"Pitt? That's a good school and environmental law sounds tough. Are you going to school for law?" he asked.

Rebecca nodded, "I want to be a lawyer. So I'm going to Pitt for undergrad and hoping Yale for law school." Her voice grew with confidence.

Sid let out a whistled. "Wow, Yale? That's impressive."

Rebecca wasn't sure what to say, so she went back to rambling. "It will be if I get in." She bit at her lip. "I'm waiting to hear back on whether I got accepted or not. I think I have a good chance. That's kind of why I'm here. The internship, I mean, it's suppose to help flush out my application. My dad, he knows Claude, they went to high school together, but it isn't like this is a favor or anything. I had to apply, I interviewed, they didn't just give it to me." Rebecca hurriedly backtracked afraid she'd made it seem like she got preferential treatment.

Sid held up his hands in mock protest. "Hey, don't worry, your secret is safe with me." He smiled broadly and Rebecca felt the butterflies return.

"So your dad knew Claude from way back when, is your family from Canada?" Sid asked leaning back against the wall and stretching his legs out in front of him.

Rebecca pulled her crossed legs in, "Delaware. That's where I grew up, but my Dad is Canadian. He and my mom moved back to the US a couple years before I was born. My mom...my mom was from Pittsburgh, but they met at Niagara Falls. She went to Pitt too, that's how I ended up here." Rebecca trailed off, she'd entered a topic she hadn't wanted to discuss, but she felt comfortable talking to Sid. It was quite the departure from before.

"Oh nice. She must love it that you're here then?"

Rebecca felt her mouth go dry and her stomach churn suddenly, but she replied anyway.

"I like to think so. She...um, she died."

The air in the room shifted and Rebecca silently wished she hadn't just said those words. She felt the sting at the back of her eyes and wanted so much to change the subject.

"I'm sorry." Sid's voice was soft and quiet and to her mortification, Rebecca felt the tear slide down her face. She swiped quickly at it.

"It's ok, it happened a long time ago, when I was younger. But I like being here, in Pittsburgh. It makes me feel closer to her. And my aunt and her family live here, so it's kind of like home."

Sid blew out a big breath, "Wow," was all he said.

Rebecca felt her spine stiffen, "You don't have to feel bad for me." She said quickly, her voice more tense than she wanted. "I miss her, but I'm ok. I have my dad and my sister, we're good."

Rebecca knew she was coming off defensive and the tears began to threaten. Jesus, did she have to cry every time she talked to him? She needed to go. She started to stand up when she felt Sid's hand on her arm, "Don't go." he said.

Rebecca looked at Sid and he could see a little bit of fear in her eyes. He wasn't sure where it came from and whether it was directed at him or where this conversation was going. It was heavy stuff but he didn't want her to think that he felt badly for her. So he began to ramble himself.

"That was my dad on the phone. He's concerned about how the team is doing and sometimes he can be kind of...intense about my play. See, we almost won it all last year and this summer….well it was really tough. I want so much for this year to go better, but its just shaky and he's in my ear a lot about me stepping up and it can be...challenging. I dont know, I just want to win you know? And I want my dad to be proud of me. I know your mom would be really proud of you Rebecca."

Rebecca just stared at Sidney. She was so grateful to him for steering the conversation in a different direction, but her heart swelled at what he said about her mom. She wanted him to know that he was deserving too.

"Your dad should be proud of you, you're amazing." Rebecca said vehemently.

Sid looked at her, his eyebrows raised slightly, a small smile forming his face.

Rebecca instantly went crimson. "I mean you're a really good player..the best. I've seen you."

It just all sounded worse and worse and she was getting more embarrassed by how hokey she sounded.

Sid playfully bumped his shoulder against hers, "I know what you mean. Thanks, Becs."

Rebecca felt the warmth pool in her belly at the sound of the nickname. It made her feel like they were...friends. As unlikely as it seemed.

"See, this is a lot easier than being enemies, right?" Sid joked.

Rebecca returned the smile and nodded. "Yeah and not as painful."

Sid laughed fully and heartily. They spent the last few minutes of Rebecca's break just talking about mindless stuff, then it was time to go.

"See ya," he easily said with a duck of his head as he headed back to his world.

"Bye," Rebecca said softly as she turned and headed back to hers.

* * *

><p><em>Now<em>

The whole drive home I'm a mess.

What was that? Why did I let it happen? How could I be so stupid?

He wasn't mine. He would never be mine.

And what about him?

I'm confused.

I hate being confused.

He's engaged.

Not that anything would change is he wasn't.

Right?

The drive home is luckily quick. A lot of the older staff live in the outlying suburbs with their families, while the young people live in trendy apartments downtown. I'm in between, over in Squirrel Hill. I love the neighborhood, it's quiet with big old trees lining the streets. I have an old craftsman style house that I moved into the second year after I'd become the travel secretary, after it became clear that this is where I would be staying.

Tonight I just don't have the energy to pack, nor the focus to study. I pull into the driveway and let myself into the dark and quiet house. I flip on the lights and open the fridge, staring at it's contents and contemplating dinner. I haven't grocery shopped all week, so I decide to get take out.

An hour later, I am showered and dressed in sweats. My hair's pulled up in a messy bun and I'm munching on cashew chicken on my couch catching up on my dvr. The house is a disaster. Boxes everywhere, my dining room table covered with study guides and practice tests.

Tonight, I just want to shut it all out. I set my chinese to go box on the coffee table and I stifle a yawn. I just want to finish up this episode of Project Runway and then I'll go to bed.

I must have dozed off because I'm awoken to a knock on my door. It startles me out of a deep sleep and it takes me a moment or two to realize what is going on. The clock on the tv reads 11 o'clock, so I must not have slept for too long. I'm a bit disoriented as I smooth out my hair and straighten out my pajamas and then the knock comes again. Fuzzy brained I pad my way over to door, my pajamas consisting of flannel plaid pants and a Pitt t-shirt and my hair, despite my attempts, is a rats nest on top of my head. I look through the peep hole to see who it is and instantly I'm awake.

* * *

><p>I go through the motions at Skates and Plates. I feel badly because people have paid good money to be part of the fundraiser. But ever since I saw Rebecca this evening my mind has been a thousand different places. I haven't been that near to her in almost a year. Sure I see her all the time, but she's been doing a stellar job keeping her distance and like I said, I've run out of ideas on how to get close to her. So tonight as I watched her bounce from person to person, a genuine smile on her face as she pinned flowers on all the guys, I knew that this was my chance, it was now or never. And never wasn't an option.<p>

It was brief but meaningful. At least to me it was and I think to her too, although who knows with her. I know guys are clueless and I'm no exception, but I just cant figure her out. Most of the time I dont know whats going through her head, but tonight it was written all over her face. There is something there. I know there is. And after years of being so sure there wasn't something more than just...well, I've got to do something. I have to try.

After Socchi I decided that I needed a change. I tried to move on but I don't want to. I want Rebecca, I've always wanted Rebecca. And I can make her want me too. If tonight was any indication, I have a chance.

So here I am at her doorstep. I take a deep breath and knock on the door.

It takes a while but finally there she is. Dwarfed in sleeper pants and a t-shirt, she looks rumpled and tired and I briefly have a moment of doubt. Was this a good idea? But I can't second guess myself.

She looks at me with a slightly panicked look and I just want to pull her into my arms. But life isn't like that. There is no big moment, no big breakaway to get the winning goal, no win that makes all the adversity and pain and fear and disappointment all worth it. Its work and I'm ready for it.

"Hi," I say, my hands shoved deeping in my jeans.

Rebecca opens her mouth, then closes it again. I wait for her eyes to narrow, for the wall to go up, just as it has for years now. But it doesn't. Her eyes are wide and a little bit fearful.

"Hi." she says softly.

"I thought we could talk." I say quickly.

At first she looks like she's going to say no. Slam the door shut and be done with me. But then I see something change in her eyes. Defiance becomes surrender and then changes to something else, something I've never seen before.

Defeat.

"Ok," she says simply and lets me in.

It's not the first time I've been in her house. The memories come flooding back. I've always liked her home. Its cozy and comfortable, but nicely decorated. Warm colors, dark wood, pictures of her family and friends and places from all over the world hang on the walls. I look around and quickly I realize that something isn't right.

There are boxes.

Lots of them.

And the dining table is covered with stuff and the letters L-S-A-T stare back at me. I know what that stands for, because of Rebecca I know what that stands for.

I look at her, confused, Im sure the look on my face is laughable.

But shes not laughing. She stands there, wringing her hands, worry saturating her face.

"What's going on? What is this? Are you moving, I thought you loved this place?"

Her eyes begin to well as she shakes her head slowly.

And then I know. And it socks me in the stomach that I nearly lose my breath.

"You're leaving."

It's not a question.

She nods. A sad look on her face.

"What about us?" I ask, even though its a stupid question.

"There is no us, Sid." she says softly.

"But…" I'm at a loss for words. "You can't." I say lamely

"I have to," she says.

"Where are you going?"

* * *

><p>"Philly," I tell him. And my heart nearly breaks at the look on his face. When he was there suddenly at my door, I thought, I can stop him from coming in. I can tell him to go and he wont know, at least not yet, not until I'm ready with my vengeance and anger and misplaced disappointment. But then I knew it was futile. He needed to know, I needed him to know. I was moving on and it was time he knew.<p>

But I can't be mean or angry about it. It's too hard. It's too sad.

His face changes when I say it.

"Philly," he spits out.

"I'm going to law school there. I've decided to leave the Penguins and I'm starting school in the fall."

"So you're just going to go." he says, his handsome features tight with frustration. It's not quite the reaction I thought, but everything is different than I thought it would be.

"I have to," I say and I feel the tears threaten again.

"Why?"

"Because it hurts too much here." I say honestly.

"And us? You say there is no us, but what about the past five years? Doesn't that mean anything?" He's shouting now.

And suddenly some of that fire that raged inside me just a few weeks ago begins to ignite.

"No, it doesn't." I tell him. "You know it doesn't, that's the point. It never did. And that's why I can't stay."

He's staring at me, his eyes narrowed on mine and his whole body is coiled in tension.

"It was your idea." He says coldly.

My idea? I think. My idea?

"It doesn't matter anymore." I say, not wanting to take his bait.

He laughs bitterly, "It doesn't matter. Ok, whatever. You're right, it doesn't matter because I don't know if it was your idea or my idea. I dont know anything because you dont say anything, you dont tell me about how you feel or what you're thinking. You keep my at this distance. Ever since….years, Becs. Fucking years we've been doing this and I never know anything because you are fucking Fort Knox over there. And now you're just going to go. And none of this ever mattered. Fucking me for the nearly five years doesn't matter."

And there it is.

My shame. My secret shame spoken aloud. Not that its a secret to either of us. But the way he says it, it's hard to hear.

I've had sex with Sidney Crosby fourteen times. I've kept track. Some of the times more memorable than the others. On and off again since I've been with the Penguins. And we weren't in a relationship when it was happening, in fact usually after it happened I hated myself and he would go running back to Katy.

I'm not a homewrecker though. We may not have ever talked about what we were doing or why we were doing it, but I knew for certain when it was happening that they weren't together. While everything about this scenario is a moral and emotional disaster, I at least made one thing certain, I wasn't going to be someone's affair, someone's mistress. The idea of it anyway is completely laughable.

What's even more laughable is that I'm in love with him. I've been in love with him for five years. And every time I was with him, it was because I loved him. And the worst part, the hardest part, is right now as he's standing in front of me and looking at me like I'm the scum of the earth, and I love him even more.

And it scares me. Because we've never talked about it. Ever.

And we don't anymore, fuck that is. Last spring was the last time. After the playoffs. It was quick and we didn't say much, we never do. And he left. Gone like a ghost till the Fall.

And then I was late. Three weeks late. And my period like myself is never tardy.

And I was scared, so so scared. I couldn't bring a child into this world with parents as fuck buddies, no matter how I felt about him.

I took a test and it was negative. I'd never been so happy to fail a test in my life. A few days later my period came and along with great relief, I knew that I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't pretend that I didn't feel anything. And the few months later when I got a random text that he was in town and could he stop by? (our lame code for sex), I ignored it. And the one after that and the one after that, until they stopped.

And now for him, to be like this? To confuse me and make me think there is something there when he's engaged to someone else.

It's not fair. And I tell him so.

He looks at me shocked, the anger put away for a least a moment. Then he finally speaks, "I'm not engaged to Katy."

And now I'm really confused.

And I'm scared, more than ever, because this could change everything.

_***Author's Note: Thank you all for waiting on this chapter, it ended up being way more exhausting and time consuming than I thought it would be. A lot is explained in this chapter and I hope you enjoyed it. There still are a few surprises to come but I'm happy to get the big secret out because its so hard to write without properly explaining why these two are so angsty (I didn't want to give anything away until it was time). As always your reviews are my reward, so please let me know what you think and thanks for reading!***_


	7. Chapter 7: The Kiss

_Now_

"What?" I ask dumbly.

Sid runs his hand through his hair and makes some sort of undefinable noise.

"I'm not engaged to Katy. Where did you even hear something like that?" he asks, his eyes piercing mine and throwing me off kilter for a moment.

My head is spinning and I'm starting to feel nauseous. What have I done? Did I just give up everything for a meaningless rumor that is proving to have no validity?

And does this even change anything? We were done months and months ago.

Sid looks at me expectantly, waiting for my response and suddenly I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I let office gossip dictate such a huge life change.

And so I do, what I always do, I go on the defensive.

"It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything. I'm tired, I think you should go." My voice starts strong but doesn't stay that way. I'm standing there in my entry way, my arms crossed and looking at him defiantly. I can tell he's growing frustrated.

"Will you stop saying that?!" Sid's voice rises.

"I'm saying it, because it's true. You can't say different, because afterwards…" oh shit, I'm going to cry again. There is so much I want to say, but I just can't.

After all this time, it's still too raw.

What I want to say is that each time he goes back to her. The model. The fun, carefree, one. The one who would smile at him and hang onto every word. The one who never had a hair out of place or a flaw on her makeup. She's everything he is suppose to have. And me? I don't know. A distraction maybe?

I take a minute to compose myself. I hate that I'm so emotional around him. No one else in the world affects me like Sid does. No one else makes me lose every rational and sensible thought in my head like him. I'm around him and I can't think.

"Katy and I are through." He says plainly. "We were never going to get married. She wanted to reconcile, give us another try. And...I thought why not? But it didn't work out. We never worked out. It's just...you wouldn't return my texts, my calls. You just stopped talking to me. It's like suddenly, after that summer. You were a stranger. And I figured it was time to move on."

The way he says it, reminds me of another time, of another summer.

"I thought...what we were doing, was what you wanted." He says. "I thought that's the way you wanted it."

My head is swimming. I always thought that was the way he wanted it. But I don't say that. I can't let him know that I have been this pathetic, lovesick fool for nearly five years. That I thought so little of myself that I'd sleep casually with a man I love, knowing there was never a chance for anything more.

He's walking towards me now. I'm so lost in thought that I don't realize until he is close.

So close.

The tears are slowly rolling down my cheeks and I can't look at him, not when he is this close.

"I don't want to move on," he's standing in front of me, I can feel his heat and yet the tears continue to stream down my face. It's just too much.

"I want you, Becs. And I know you want me to."

I close my eyes, trying to gain some composure so that I can talk to him like a normal person.

That we can talk like normal people, as futile as that sounds.

Then I feel it. His finger, so gently rubs the bridge of my nose. Up and down the pad of his finger runs.

I open my eyes. And I know he can see it. See every emotion, every feeling, written all over my face.

And then he kisses me.

* * *

><p><em>Then<em>

Throughout the month of December, they met a few more times in the equipment room. Nothing happened other than conversation. Sid was easy to talk to and Rebecca, who tended to be quite by nature, was a good listener. Sid wasnt sure what it was, but being able to chat freely with Rebecca was a welcomed change. In the few years since he'd arrived, he'd often felt overwhelmed. While he'd been bred for this, the excitement the team brought to the city and in turn the city's response to him could sometimes be...scary. Not that he would ever say that out loud. Living with Mario helped. Having that family atmosphere day in and day out made life easier.

And he had plenty of friends, it wasnt like he was lonely. But he'd found himself wandering through the halls, telling himself he wasnt looking for her, he just found himself pleased when he saw her and a bit of a rush coursed his veins when she'd greet him, surprised but happy he was there. He felt a nagging guilt each time he laughed at something she said, or when his eyes lingered a little too long at her profile when he was sure she wasnt looking. But he'd convinced himself that it was entirely innocent. He just liked spending time with her, no matter how strange it seemed.

And she was smart. Really smart. She told him about cases she was studying and stories about the city he'd never known about. She had a professor that liked to tell true crime stories about strange disappearances or unsolved murders that took place centuries ago in Pittsburgh. That stuff fascinated Sid. He'd watch as Rebecca's face would become animated telling the tales and her hands would move quickly as the stories got more and more complex and bizarre. Sid in turn would share his own stories. Stories about weird teammates who had strange habits, places he'd gone, people he'd met. It wasnt bragging really, more like giving her an unfiltered version of his life. Everything he said and did was tailored to the person he was interacting with. To the media he was well spoken but guarded, to the Lemieux's he was a kid with the world on his shoulders, to his parents he was whatever he could to make them proud, to his teammates he was the captain, a young leader who had to set an example. But with Rebecca he was just him. Ever since she'd seen him with his dad and he'd treated her so poorly, he had this odd connection to her. Someone had seen the ugly side and they didn't care. Not only didn't she care, she hadn't told anyone what had happened. And that meant something to him.

She was his friend. And she was different than any friend he'd ever had.

But still there was the guilt. The guilt because there was one other person he had to be a certain way with. Someone who he was supposed to be able to tell anything to. Someone he didn't have to be a certain way with.

Katy.

He'd met Katy a couple of summers ago. She'd been at a luncheon in LA that he'd been invited to. It had been sponsored by Men's Fitness magazine and Katy was a model and often did work for their sister publication. She was bubbly and gorgeous. A huge smile and the sweetest girl he'd ever met. She was down to earth and from a small town in western Virginia. They'd hit it off and for the past few years had been dating. He'd always been hesitant to call her his girlfriend. Sure they went on dates and had a pretty healthy sex life, but the problem was their schedules were always completely off. They'd see one another here and there and while their was genuine affection and obvious attraction, Sid was hesitant to call it love. But it was simple. It was easy. And he needed that. Craved it. Katy put no pressure on him and vice versa. They made a point to see each other more in the summers but during the season it was rare. And so that commitment, that bond, it just never seem to grow, to flourish. He was happy to see her when he did, but it wasnt like he was pining away when she was gone.

There was just something off. While he enjoyed spending time with her, he always felt like he was holding something back. Keeping a piece of himself guarded. It wasn't something that he could even define. He just knew it was there, this barrier that kept him from going all in. Kept him from falling in love.

He thought during those few weeks with Rebecca, sprawled out on old floor mats that this was what he should have with Katy. This openness, this trust that just sort of happened.

And for Rebecca, well it was simple. She liked Sidney. A lot. She liked the way he explained things, she liked the way his eyes were so intent on her when she was talking. She liked the way he laughed and his eyes would scrunch up and his nostrils would flair and the big row of teeth would be exposed. And she liked most that despite everything leading up to this point, he made her feel like she belonged. That she was supposed to be here. That they were supposed to become friends. That all their misadventures brought them to this place. And she knew it wouldn't last forever. She was growing very attached to a situation that was only temporary, not to mention they were worlds apart. There was no way this would end the way she wanted it to. And she needed to keep reminding herself of that. It was easy to forget how out of her league he was. She really couldn't quite explain why he seemed to enjoy her company, why he kept showing up at the equipment room. Why she showed up even after finals were over and she had no reason to be there.

And finals were over. Finally. She'd be leaving soon to go to Delaware for the holidays. She was relieved of her internship duties for two and a half weeks, returning in the new year.

A few days before she was leaving, Dara, a girl from her poly sci study group invited her out for drinks with some friends. A celebration of surviving finals and the semester. Rebecca was hesitant but decided to go. It was a Thursday night and she'd be packing tomorrow and leaving first thing Saturday morning for home. Plus she just needed to let off some steam.

Rebecca wasnt a big drinker, but Dara and her friends were. They met up at south side and within a few hours had hit up four bars. Each bar had included a variety of shots and by midnight the group had dwindled down to Dara, another kid from their study group, James and Rebecca. In the first hour, Rebecca had wracked her brain for a believable excuse to wimp out and go home, but after a few drinks and a ton of shots, she was actually getting into it. This was the "college experience." This was her night to be part of the fun, rather than watching from the sidelines.

She'd dressed for the occasion. Dark jeans and a cream colored cable knit sweater that complimented her olive skin. She'd swept her dark hair up in a ponytail and gone a little heavy handed on the mascara. But she fit in. And she was having fun.

The trio stumbled down Carson Street. The sidewalks were packed with people enjoying a mild mid-December night, where school was out and others were looking to blow off some steam as well.

The Penguins had played tonight and won. The wrap up show had been on at some of the bars they'd gone to. She'd watched the highlights, her eyes scanning the screen for number 87. He'd scored two goals and gotten two assists. A great night for him. The group had known she was interning at the Igloo, but Rebecca kept her answers vague when pressed about what the experience was like. She made it seem as unglamorous as possible and the group seemed to not press for more information.

Things changed when they got to Mario's.

Mario's was a required stop on the South side tour of binge drinking. A fun bar that sported an impressive spinning wheel of shot selections, Mario's was also known for its Penguins pride. Signed jerseys adorned the walls and a special section was often closed off for the players who occasionally visited the popular pub. Everything was kind of blurry for Rebecca upon entering Mario's. Dara made a beeline for the bar, while Rebecca and James were in charge of finding a place to sit. The place was packed and it didn't take long to find out why.

Rebecca and James had just taken a seat in a booth when, Dara came rushing up with three beers.

"Oh my god, you wont believe what I just heard at the bar," Dara said excitedly, sliding into the booth next to James.

"What?" asked James, as he took a big swig of his beer.

"A bunch of the Penguins are here tonight." Dara gushed.

Rebecca's alcohol addled brain was slow to comprehend Dara's words.

James gasped dramatically, while Dara continued, "I know! This guy says he saw Talbot and Crosby, and this other girl says she saw Whitney and Tanger downstairs by the bathrooms. Can you believe it?"

Even Rebecca had to admit she was surprised. She'd been around the team for months now and she'd never really thought of them going out to the bars like regular people. She knew they had a few nights off for the holidays, so it wasnt unheard of that some of the guys would be out. Immediately she thought about Sid. How strange it would be to see him outside of his hockey world. Other than the ride home, she'd never even seen him outside of the Igloo. She was still quite hazy from the drinks, but her mind began to focus as she began to scan the bar for him.

"They have a VIP space upstairs," Dara said, noticing Rebecca's wandering gaze.

Rebecca looked up and sure enough she could make out Max's profile. It was fuzzy, but undoubtedly him. She watched for a moment and then Sid came into view.

Immediately she looked away, her cheeks instantly flushed hot.

Suddenly she felt self conscious. She was pretty drunk and while the players weren't her bosses and she obviously wasnt working, she wondered if this would look bad.

Unprofessional. But then again, they were here too and she could tell both Max and Sid had drinks in their hands.

"You should get us up there," Dara exclaimed, her bright eyes dancing with excitement. She was a pretty girl. Short and curvy, with long blond hair and small

features. She was wearing a low cut dress and heels, a far cry from the jeans and sweatshirts, Rebecca usually saw her in.

"I..I..I..don't know," Rebecca stammered. "I don't really know them," she sort of lied. "I don't think they would remember me."

"Please?!" Dara pleaded. "It would be so amazing and what an end to our night. I mean you could just ask. It would be so cool."

Rebecca had to admit that it would be cool to have drinks with the guys, plus up until now she hadn't had much to contribute to the night. She liked Dara and James and would like to be better friends with them. Plus the alcohol running through her veins helped her come to the decision that it wasnt a bad idea after all.

"Ok," Rebecca nodded, "I'll ask."

Dara clapped excitedly and James, while not really interested in the sports aspect of it all, was excited to meet some celebrities (his words).

Rebecca stood from the table and made her way over to the bottom of the steps that led to the upstairs area. There was a bouncer with a bald head and bulging muscles sitting in front of the steps. The word security stretched across his extremely broad chest.

This is a bad idea, Rebecca quickly realized. There is no way this guy is going to let me through. She had no ID with her that showed she worked for the Penguins. Not that it would make much of a difference anyway. It wasnt like this private party was open to random staff anyway. James was right. These guys were celebrities, living the VIP life up there, she had no business even asking.

Giving up before even trying, Rebecca turned to go back to her seat, but as she did, she bumped into someone heading right for the stairs.

It was Tanger.

He looked at her for a moment, as if he was trying to place her. Ryan Whitney stood next to him, clearly wasted and impatient to get back upstairs.

Then recognition dawned on his face. "Coopsy," he said, his voice heavy with the french accent.

"Oh hi," Rebecca said feebly, feeling foolish.

Tanger smiled, then looked up at the top of the stairs. "Max!" he called, then pointed at Rebecca, "It's Coopsy!"

Rebecca felt even more awkward and she shot a look over at her table, Dara was nearly out of her seat, while James texted furiously on his phone.

Max looked over the railing and down at the group below. His face broke into a wide grin, "Hey oopsy!"

This was such a bad idea, Rebecca thought miserablely.

"Come up!" Max yelled down.

Tanger smiled at Rebecca, "Do you want to come up?"

Rebecca knew she shouldnt come across as desperate but the alcohol fueled desire to impress her friends won out.

"Sure," she said smiling widely at Kris.

Rebecca turned back to the table and gestured for Dara and James to join them. The two sprung from their seats and were hot on her heels in seconds. Ryan had already gone upstairs, but Kris politely said hello to Rebecca's friends, who returned an enthusiastic hello back.

They group headed up the stairs and soon came upon how the other half lived. It was much nicer upstairs. Big lush couches, trendy decor and their own bar. There were about twenty odd people mingling up there. Most Rebecca didn't recognize, but some she did. There were a few trainers and some of the other players.

Max was waiting for them at the top of the steps, "Oopsy!" he shouted, even though she was right in front of him, his eyes were bright and glazed and as he pulled her into a tight hug, she could smell the booze on him.

"I'm so glad you're here," he continued to shout and he held her out in front of him. Then his eyes shifted to Dara and he let out a low whistle. "And who is this?" he asked his French accent suddenly thick.

Rebecca made her introductions and Max instantly took a liking to Dara and as the two made their way to the bar chatting and making googly at one another, Rebecca could easily tell Dara took a liking as well.

Rebecca and James just stood taking it all in, when she felt a poke on her shoulder blade, she turned to see Sid standing there smiling.

"Hi," he said sort of awkwardly, giving her a small wave.

He looked wonderful, Rebecca thought. Jeans and a button up shirt, his hair gelled into place. His eyes were also bright like Max's but it seemed he might just be a bit buzzed than loaded like Talbo was.

"Hi," she smiled widely back. It was another clumsy moment where they just stood there, then James unable to hold back, interjected himself in. He gushed to Sid about being a fan and what a great game he had. Sid was very polite, shaking James' hand and making easy conversation. It was interesting to watch Sid be in "Sidney Crosby" mode. Rebecca had only seen glimpses of it when sick kids would visit the locker room or military heroes would catch a practice. It was interesting to see how his face became guarded, his voice changed to a more formal tone and his spine straightened. After a few minutes, James moved onto the bar and Sid and Rebecca were alone.

Conversation came much quicker when it was just the two of them. Sid pointed out who some of the people were. Family of players, agents, friends. They got a drink and people watched from the corner. Sid was often approached but he didn't seem to insert himself in the middle of the action. Which Rebecca liked. They chatted about the holidays and what they'd gotten their families for Christmas. They told one another about funny Christmas traditions and silly family members. Where Rebecca's mother's side of the family had been rather small, her dad's side was huge. She had all these Canadian relatives that she saw only during the holidays and some were real characters.

The time flew by and soon it was closing time. Dara came and found Rebecca just as last call was announced. She looked a little mused and her lipstick was smeared, Max was by her side wearing most of her gloss on his own lips.

"James is throwing up," Dara said simply.

"We should go," Rebecca replied.

"You can't go," Max interjected, "After party at my house."

Dara nodded excitedly, "Yes! After party! I will call James' roommates, they're uber nerds, don't drink and stay up late playing World of Warcraft, they can come pick him up."

"Siddo, you in?" Max slurred. Sid looked at Rebecca and they knew what this was going to be. Sid didn't want Rebecca to be the third wheel or left alone while Dara and Max got to know each other. He could have just taken her home, but he'd probably had a few more than was safe, so instead he nodded. With James between his two friends, the group headed out the back and conveniently to Max's condo which was located just behind the bar.

Soon, James friends arrived and collected James. They'd never watched a sporting event in their lives, so they didn't even look twice at Sid and Max.

Max grabbed Dara's hand and they made their way into Max's place. He led them upstairs to his rooftop, grabbing some beers on the way.

It was amazing up there. You could see all of Carson street below you and out across the horizon the city's skyline. Max and Dara were all over each other, while Sid and Rebecca stayed quiet taking in the view. It wasn't long before the amorous couple disappeared.

Sid and Rebecca took a seat on a bench and laughed nervously at each other.

"He does this a lot," Sid warned. "I hope your friend isn't looking for...a commitment." He looked adorably apologetic. Rebecca smiled, her head still swimming.

"Don't worry, I have a feeling she does too." She took a sip of her beer and looked out at the city.

"I love this city," she said softly. Rebecca looked at Sid, "Is it weird to have a whole city worship you?" she asked bluntly.

Sid laughed a took a big swig of his drink, he paused for a moment, looking thoughtful. "Do you want my answer, or the real answer?"

"The real one."

"Yes. Very weird. Scary, weird, overwhelming...really overwhelming. No matter what, it hasn't stopped being weird. I wouldn't change it, for anything. I love this city too. I love what I do. I am so lucky to be where I am, but yeah...I dont know if you ever get used to it."

Rebecca felt honored that he was being so honest with her, so she decided to be honest too. "I'm afraid to leave. I mean when I graduate. I'm scared about what's next."

Sid looked at her, "But you're going to Yale. That's a big deal, that's incredible."

"I'm not there yet. I'm still waiting to hear back. I guess it's just that, all my life I have planned for this. For college at Pitt. To be close to my mom. And I'm scared of that ending. That I wont feel this connection to her anymore. I..." This was not the place for it, but Rebecca found herself with a bad case of word vomit. "I dont remember her voice. I try and I try and I can't remember what she sounded like. My Aunt Hilary, she sounds a little bit like her, but it's not enough. I used to be able to here my mom's voice in my head, but I can't remember now."

Rebecca felt the hot tears roll down her face. She felt so stupid. She was such a drunken cliché.

She felt Sid shift a bit next to her, "I'm sorry," she said wiping at her tears, "It's the alcohol talking, I'm such a lightweight."

He didn't answer her, not at first, then he spoke, "What do you remember about her?" he asked, his voice soft.

Rebecca looked out at the city and he clouded mind tried to select a memory and grab hold of it. The thoughts floated past her until one lingered and Rebecca grabbed onto it.

She smiled through her tears, "It's really dumb."

She looked at Sid, but he was just grinning at her. He was the most perfect person she'd ever met and her heart swelled just looking at him.

"Tell me," he said, his teeth almost glowing in the moonlight.

"When I'd get upset or be sad about something, she would touch my nose."

Sid made a funny face, "She'd what?"

Rebecca giggled. "She'd sort of pet my nose. I'd be crying or going on about something that wasnt fair or some mean thing another kid had said to me and she would just reach out and run her finger up and down my nose. And suddenly things were better. I'm not sure why it always worked, but it did." Rebecca shrugged, she felt better. She may not be able to hear her mom's voice, but she could still feel the soft pad of her mom's finger. But memory soon became more than she could take and Rebecca felt the tears come hard.

"I miss her. This time of year especially, I miss her so much." She was crying steadily now, completely overwhelmed with grief to even be embarrassed.

She felt his arms come around her, and she let herself just fall into Sid's embrace. He held her tight, not really saying anything. His hold was strong and secure and it was what she needed more than anything. They stayed that way for a short while. Finally the tears subsided and Rebecca felt better having let out all the emotion that had been building as the holiday season had neared. She pulled back from Sid, her eyes wet, her nose runny.

She knew she must look a mess.

Sid didn't say anything, just gave her a small lopsided smile. Then he reached a finger out and ran in up and down her nose. His touch was gentle, the pad of his finger rough, not soft like her mother's.

Then without a thought in her head, Rebecca surged forward and pressed her lips to his. She was a little clumsy but she didn't care. While his finger had been rough, his lips were soft and supple. She kissed him soundly, her lips moving against his surprised mouth. She waited for his lips to move beneath hers, but they didn't.

He didn't pull away, but he didn't kiss her back.

In what seemed like forever, but was in reality only a few seconds, Rebecca pulled back.

He looked at her sad and sorry.

Rebecca instantly went red, mortified by what she'd done. The look on his face, sobered her up immediately.

"I'm...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She said quickly, wishing she could disappear.

She hated the look on his face. Regret soaked his features.

Then he said it.

"I have a girlfriend."

* * *

><p><em>Now<em>

His lips move gently across mine, soft but insistent. His hands come up and cup my cheeks, holding me in place as he tastes me. I have no defense against him. My mouth opens and his tongue takes the opportunity to delve in between my lips. His tongue finds mine and they begin to reacquaint. We move in sync with one another. Touching and tasting, the feel of his lips, his mouth, his tongue...I've missed it all. More than anything, I've missed the nearness of him. His body pressed up against mine. He intensifies the kiss and suddenly we're moving. He steps forward as I step back and we continue this little dance until my back is against the arch between my dining room and living room. And then he makes a noise of approval, happy to have the leverage, as he pushes into me, his mouth moving skillfully against mine and his body pressed fully into me.

I can feel his arousal. It's hard against my thigh and it takes all I have not to part my legs, just a little bit, so that his hips can cradle into mine and we can find relief.

I'm losing myself in this kiss, so very quickly and easily. Katy is out of the picture. Although this isn't something I've heard before. Does this mean we have a shot? How does that even work? Is that what he wants? It seems like he does, but his actions for so many years say different. I can't hold a candle to Katy. I never could.

What's changed, what's different?

Is that I'm leaving? Is it that Sid hates to lose? My brain can't process all these thoughts at once especially not with the mind numbing things his tongue is doing right now. I'm kissing him back, I'm giving as good as I'm getting. And I'm back where I started. All those months it took to get over him. To make it not so hard to see him. To be able to do my job and not fall apart every day. I'd worked hard to get to that point and now, with a single kiss. I'm back where I started.

I push him up and off of me. He stumbles back, his mouth is swollen, his lips impossibly huge. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes bright with desire.

It's too much. It's all too much.

"You need to leave." I tell him, my voice weak.

"Becs," his voice is hoarse, low.

"No." I cant do this. Not like this.

"You need to leave." My voice strong now.

"I wont give up," he says and a part of me wants to ask him not to.

But this, the way it is now, wont work. We're a big knot, a mess of feelings and expectations and baggage. We're like a big tangle of christmas lights that will take hours to unravel. And too much has happened tonight. The knot has only gotten bigger.

"Bye, Sid." I say quietly and he just looks at me, really looks at me and I think he understands the knot.

He nods and I hear the door behind me open and then his voice.

"I mean it, I wont give up." He sounds more sure of himself now and I cant think about what it could all mean.

But I need time to process, I need to figure out my feelings. It was one thing when I loved him, but the idea that he could, somehow, someday love me back?

It surrounds me and I feel as if it could drown me.

Because I'm not ready for that. I'm not prepared for what comes with that.

But if I'm brave enough, I'm willing to find out.

_***author's note: Yay for kissing time! I hope you enjoyed the chapter, I really liked writing this one. Not as exhausting with some of the angst let out, but as you can see there is more to come. BTW for those of you who don't know, talbot really did live behind Mario's in south side, so I feel like it's not too far fetched to think he brought home a few ladies during his years in pittsburgh. thank you for your patience with this chapter, December has flown by but I wanted to get this up before the holidays. I will be going out of town for a few weeks, so it will be a while until the next chapter, but please stick around! Everyone have a wonderful holiday and a safe new year! And yay for Sid being on the mend again! ***_


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